Remember: Take Meds.

This weekend has been wonderful... for the most part.

Saturday was great! I saw my best friend, she came down for her baby shower. We drove 3 1/2 hours there and 3 1/2 hour back just to see her for 3 hours. But, it was worth it. I haven't seen her for over a year and she had yet to meet A. So finally, after a year on this earth, my best friend has finally met my daughter! It was a good day. I also got to see some old highschool friends. We were missing a few faces, but it was nice to see them too. I cannot believe how old we are all getting.

Sunday was great too! I went to the zoo with A for the first time. We went with a friend of mine and her son who was born just 5 days before A. It was fun to see them interact together. I think they both enjoyed the zoo. The weather was nice, it wasn't too hot, and all the animals were out. We even managed to get cute baby pictures!

I guess Monday doesn't fall into the "weekend" but I'm considering it part of it since it was a day off. Monday started off okay. However, from the moment A woke up to the moment she went to bed, she was nonstop whineing. I'd leave the room she'd scream, pick her up, she'd want down, put her down, she'd want back up. Whine Whine Whine.

But that's not the worse part. I took a pregnancy test last night and it was negative. Again. It's always negative. I feel like my body is a complete failure. I feel like I'm letting my husband down and I feel like my body is broken. Give it, it's not. I've had blood work and ultrasounds and it all comes back NORMAL, perfect even. I had a complete meltdown yesterday. I could not stop crying. I really hope that my ovulation day is just off and that i still have a change. The timing would have been perfect. Our Wedding anniversary is tomorrow and our EDD would have been my Dad's birthday. I think the perfectness of the days is what's really getting to me. It's making me take the hit harder. I need to stop dreaming about what could have been, or what could be, and start concentrating on what I have NOW.

I just know that I want a second child so badly and I hope it happens soon.

I feel like I'm back in that dark place. I forgot to take my meds on Sunday and Monday and I can feel the difference. It sucks. I can't have myself go back there, I can't go back to ignoring my husband and my daughter. I just can't. Because doing so, makes me feel even worse.

I'm sure this post doesn't even make sense! It really is all over the place.

A good day.

Today has been a good day. Work has slowed down, I was able to work on a fun tutorial, and I got myself to the gym.
I feel good today. I feel really good. My husband also ordered to take over the household finances, which is a HUGE relief to me. The best part us that I know that he meant it. I feel like a gigantic weight has been lifted off my shoulders. It feels so good.

I'm so ready for the weekend. I need time to relax and I  am looking forward to seeing my best friend. It's been well over a year and I've really missed her. Her family is throwing her a baby, I can't wait!

Wednesday's List

My day had been quiet uneventful since workhad been slower than expected, so that will be the first positive!

Others include:
1. I got to take a nap when I got home
2. Baby kisses, these open mouth slobbery kisses are the best!
3. The husband had dinner ready when I walked through the door.
4. No major meltdowns today, from me or the baby.

I wish I could add more, but I had a hard enough time coming up with these.

Getting Back Up on the Horse

I meant to blog about this yesterday.

I'm ready to make a lot of changes. Changes to my mental and physical health. I took the first step yesterday and finally went to the gym, I haven't been in I don't know how many months. It felt good. It was nice to finally be back in that place. I'm going to ease back in it so I'm not sore the day after. My goals are to walk for the next month, for 30 minutes and then slowly start with my running intervals. I was doing so great back in July and then life sort of happened and I got out of the habit.

As far as my mental health, I've gotten my medication under control and now I'm ready to start taking steps to improve it. The medication helps me stay level, but I also need to change my train of thought. The nurse practitioner suggested a positivity journal. I started it for a few days and then, like all things, it got forgotten. Maybe here, I'll try and post daily of the positive things that happened that day. I think I could do that from my phone so it should be easy enough!

Maybe with all these physical and mental improvements my body will finally get pregnant with our second child. That urge and need that I felt so greatly when we were conceiving A is back. I'm ready to be pregnant, I want to be pregnant, I need to be pregnant. I'm not sure what my body is doing but it's defiantly not cooperating. This isn't an infertility blog, but I'm sure I'll post my struggles anyways.

Added medication

Yesterday I took a trip to my PCP to review how I am doing on the Wellbutrin XL 300.

So far so good. I'm not having all of the side effects that I was getting on Lexapro. The only thing I have noticed is the increase on anxiety attacks. I notice them most when I am in the car with my husband and there is heavy traffic (or me thinking that he isn't paying attention). It gets petty bad and I have a breakdown and freak out. I also have them when we are trying to leave the house to go somewhere. I get completely overwhelmed and I can't do anything because I can't find a place to start.

Then on top of the anxiety I've been having nightmares again. The nightmares cause me not to sleep well and when I wake up my heart its racing and my blood pasture must be through the roof. Its horrible.

After telling my doctor this, she told me that the meds don't reach thearputic level until 4 to 6 weeks and that we should go ahead and wait until then to evaluate the anxiety. She did however prescribe a very small dose of xantax (.25 mg). She told me to take it before bed in hopes to cut out the nightmares and let me get better sleep.

I'm so happy with myself because I'm finally getting help. This has bern a long time coming. Im so ready to be feeling better.

I hate this...

I hate that today is my baby's first birthday and the only thing I've done is cry. I hate that I have to be at work today. I hate my boss for making me be here and I hate her boss for making me be here too. I hate that I have to be a working mom instead of one that can be home with her babies. I hate this.

Today is supposed to be happy. It's supposed to be a celebration of my baby coming into this world and her being here for an entire year. But all I can do is cry. I cried all last night. I cried this morning, I cried on my way to work, and I'm crying now.

I know this is so stupid. I mean, she won't even remember. We had a party last weekend for the "official" celebration. I will see her today. So, I know, that I'm just being an over emotional mess.

But everytime I think to not BEING there when she wakes up this morning, it kills me. I get a pit in my stomach, my throat feels like it's closing, and my eyes start to well up. I wanted nothing more but to be there to wish her happy birthday for the very first time ON her birthday. But no, I can't do that, because I'm at WORK! My husband and my mother get to do that. They get to be excited and they get to sing her happy birthday as they get her from the crib this morning and I CAN'T BE THERE to do it too.

This is killing me! I feel like I need to take 3 more antidepressents just to get through the day

Oh and I also hate that I HAVE to put on a happy face and act like nothing is the matter because I'm at work and I don't want people asking me what's wrong.

But happy birthday A, Mommy loves you SO much and I'm sorry that I cannot be there.

Relection

I'm not even sure where to start. But today as I drove into work, I felt different. I felt happy. I sung along to the radio and I felt my heart lift slightly. I felt my shoulders relax, and I felt a burden being lifted off of my shoulders. Maybe this is the depression finally subsiding. Maybe it's the medication that's subduing this ache and darkness that I've been feeling for so long. It's nice. I hope it continues. I want to be better. I want to be a better wife, a better mother, a better employee. I just want to be better. I want to be able to laugh and smile and actually MEAN it. This is going to be a long road, but maybe I've stopped walking backwards.

My baby's first birthday is tomorrow. I can't even explain exactly how i feel about that. I'm so proud of all that she has accomplished this year, she's grown so much. But at the same time it breaks my heart. Maybe that's the point of motherhood. The constant feeling of "bittersweet." My daughter is truly amazing. Her laugh is so infections. I'm heartbroken that I cannot spend the entire day with her. I guess that's the story of a working mom. Duty calls and I have to put my family on the back burner while I fulfill my responsibilities in my career. It sucks. I'd rather not be here. I'd rather be watching my baby wake up for the first time as a One year old. I'd rather be video taping her as I sing her "Happy Birthday," for the first time. I'd rather be there to see her smile at me as I walked into the room to get her. Being a mother and working is so hard.

While I'm in this new place, where I feel this unspoken, unknown burden being lifted off of me, I'm also finding myself slipping back when I think about all the time I'm missing with her.



I took this picture yesterday for a "Picture of the Day" thread that Im' participating in (running) on an online forum. I think it truly represents how I'm feeling most every day. Even if I don't show it, that feeling is deep within me. It's not as frequent as it was a couple months ago, but this picture represents how I feel when I think about not being with my baby



This post is all over the place. It is, I know this. Maybe it won't make sense to anybody else but me. I'm teetering back in forth between feeling better and not. I'm floating with my head bobbing in and out of the water.