Not been updating much...

I've been trying to not focus on TTC stuff so I've been occupying all of my time making things for my etsy shop. I've spent hours coming up with coaster designs and then the actual making if the coasters. I have also painted some planters. Plus so much time going through my images trying to find ones that maybe somebody will buy. I'm not sure anybody will. I don't seem to be getting a very good response. I post things for my shop on Facebook and nobody even likes the post. So maybe my stuff just sucks.

On the TTC front. I ovulated on cd 20. I'm 8 dpo now and if my temps stay up. I'll test on Friday. I'm not feeling too hopeful, but I want to be past this whole TTC stuff so bad. I yearn for that second baby so much. I'm ready to be a parent of two and I'm so ready to enjoy sex again. For those of you that had pregnancy come easily, I'm not sure you can understand how'd having to have sex completely destroys that sexual relationship. It's no longer fun, it's timed, and most of the time, we do it because we have too. Not my idea of a good time.

I've started my etsy shop because I need money saved incase we need to move into fertility treatments. They aren't cheap and they are not covered by insurance. We aren't rich people and I hate that money can potentially stand in the way of us having another baby. I'm nervous about going to a specialist and I'm worried that they are going to say that I'm too fat to even be considered for treatments. I don't know. Thoughts go through my head that I'm sure are irrational. It's a scary step. Until then, I know we have one more script for clomid and then I guess we will reevaluate then.

I'm having a sale for 20% off for labor day to hopefully just get my name out there. I know I'm probably undercharging myself, but how else's am I going to get my name out there. Here is a link to my store
http://www.etsy.com/shop/ceebeecreations

And if you search for ceebee creations on Facebook, you'll find me there too. That's where you can grab the coupon code. I can do a bit of custom work as well. I haven't made custom slots yet, but I plan to by the weekend.

In other news, I've been feeling crappy and I'm sick with a cold. I took today off because I'm feeling so congested. I slept for most of the day and I really like to be asleep now, but dear Miss A makes that impossible.

I also wanted to talk about As time in the daycare on Mondays, but I'll save that for another day.

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CD 14 appointment, ultrasound, and lab results

Appointment for my annual went fine! Doctor was in a much better mood. I told him about my aunt and grandmother having breast cancer, he told me that there isn't much to do right now, but to ask if they have both been tested for the bracka gene(?). He said if they were both negative then my chance is n higher than anybody else. I'm going to call my mom tonight and ask.

The ultrasound revealed a "juicy" follicle on my right side I'm not sure on size, I was too excited and forgot to ask, much better than last cycle where I had nothing on cd 15. I'm glad things look better this cycle.

I also got my lab results back. Everything tested was in normal range. I was concerned about the LH to fsh ratio, but I think the LH has to be elevated and not the fsh. If I could get opinions on it all, I'd be appreciative

TSH - 1.910 (normal 0.45 - 4.50)
T4, Free - 1.07 (normal 0.82- 1.77)

LH - 2.6 (2.4 - 12.6)
FSH - 6.0 (3.5 - 12.5)

Testosterone - 46 (8-48) *this is elevated, anything I can do?
Free Testosterone - 2 (0-2.2) * also elevated

Prolactin - 7.9 (4.8 - 23.3)

Estradiol - 24.7 (12.5 - 166)

Progesterone - 0.6 (0.2 - 1.5)

I think everything looks okay, though I'm concerned about the high testosterone. I am very concerned about PCOS. I read that FSH at 6 is good, not great, but is that high for my age? I'm 27.

Any input on these results would be appreciated especially with personal experiences and lab results.


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A new cycle

I've not been blogging as much, I seem to be down in the dumps lately. A year of TTC will do that to you I think.

Today I went in and got some blood work done. It's cycle day 3 so we tested a few things including

FSH and LH
Testosterone, Total and Free
Progestrone
Estradiol
TSH, T4
Prolactin

I think I'm missing something else. I asked them to test my glucose levels and insulin resistance, but I didn't see that on there. So, it looks like I might need to go to my GP and see if they can order that blood work for me. 

I have my well-woman exam set for August 16th, which also happens to be CD 14, so I'll get my ultrasound then.

I start Clomid tonight and then Estrogen on the August 10th. So we'll see. Praying hard this cycle might be the "one."

Also added to my regime of pills, will be some herbs:

• Woman's One a day Vitamin
• Vitex Agnus castus to help normalize hormones (though I can't take this while taking Clomid, so I will be saving this one for later, if I need it)
• Tribulus to help regulate ovulation (specifically helps with LH levels, until the clomid I never got a dark dark OPK)
• Chromium to help with glucose intolerance
• Red Raspberry Tea
• Red Clover
• Gymnema to help with carb cravings and insulin resistance
• Magnesium to balance blood sugar levels

It seems like a lot and I might also skip the Tribulus as my LH levels seem better while taking the clomid. I will definitely be focusing on managing my sugar levels with the Chromium, Gymnema, and Magnesium. I'm also going to be watching high glycemic index foods and just overall eating healthy.

Last week my husband and I started walking. He's forcing me which is great. I'm so tired when I get home. We're walking on the days that he gets off early, or has off. Then on days where he's working nights, I'm going to do the steps for as long as I can. I"m at 10 minutes currently as my hips can't take much more. Cardio wise, I'm good and can go longer, but my hips hurt so bad that they burn. It's more in the joints than the muscles. I think my hip problems prior to pregnancy and then pregnancy itself are to blame.

I'm up in the air about temping this month too. I'll decide once AF comes to a close.

Dear Friend

I've not updated in a while, mostly because I just don't feel like it. A year of TTC is coming up, August 1st to be exact. I'm devastated and I can only pray that this cycle was successful and that I won't have to continue on. I think I may have ovulated, but to be honest, I cannot be sure. My temps don't tell a good story and it's hard to trust them, especially when they aren't following their normal pattern. I hate not knowing what the hell is going on and I hate not knowing what my body is doing.

I just wrote this to a friend who send me a message via FB about a comment I posted on my picture of the day. I said something about learning to be content with just our "30 toes" or just as a family of three... she sort of opened a can of worms. It's so hard to hold in all this grief with out having a real life friend to talk to about it.

I apologize for the length of this email and the rant that follows. It will be 1 year of TTC (I'll officially be infertile, yeah!) on August 1st, just 6 days from now, the pain I'm feeling about this is indescribable. I feel so incredibly broken and I don't have anybody to talk to, because unless you're going through it, you won't understand... and by no fault of your (general your) own, most tend to say inappropriate things that don't make the situation better. It only makes it hurt worse.

I am by no means content. It's something I need to work on, because there is a chance I will never be able to conceive again, or I will and I could miscarry again. I hate the uncertainty. I don't expect you to understand how HARD this is for me. Infertility is heart breaking and it's not a matter of relaxing, not trying, or just having fun. I have to try to get pregnant. I have to know what my body is doing because it is so irregular, because I probably have endometriosis (where new lesions are being created every time I bleed, binding my organs together and creating a toxic environment inside my body), and PCOS (poly cystic ovarian syndrome, which means my hormones are out of balance, causing depression, hair loss, poor thyroid function, glucose intolerance, weight gain, cysts on my ovaries, and irregular cycles). My ovulation is SO painful that I have to have a heating pad attached to me for over 24 hours just so I don't double over in pain, my periods are SO painful, that I'm stuck in bed, or a bath of hot water, and I spend days with the heating pad again, just to make it through. I can't even go to the bathroom (both 1 and 2) with out wanting to scream out in agony. Over the counter pain medication isn't enough to even take the edge off. I have to bring the heating pad to work so I don't call in. It sucks. Not only can I not get pregnant, but I suffer through intense pain when I start my period. It's like what I'm feeling inside about failing, again, is being brought to life through the pain that I experience.

Just because I have one doesn't mean that I don't want another, it doesn't mean that my heart doesn't hurt every single day for what I can't have. I've always wanted babies, I never questioned it, I never wavered, it is something that I so deeply want. Then for month after month to pass by to only have my heart ripped out of my chest... that on it's own is devastating. But to finally get pregnant JUST to miscarry, I can't even explain how deeply that hurts, how much I want to collapse on the floor and give up. I'm not sure I will ever completely heal from that. Every day is a struggle for me.

I know I am blessed to have Addison, she's amazing and I know I'm blessed to have Jonathan, but I feel so incomplete and my heart aches so badly.

I don't know what I want from this email, but I just needed to put this out there. I'm going through alot more than I let on with people, because again, nobody understands. I would kill to be as fertile as you, or anybody else who can get pregnant within 3 months. To get pregnant when I try and when I want it so badly would be a dream. It's not that I'm "mad" at you for being able to get pregnant, it's that I'm sad for myself and I'm bitter that I would be dealt this hand of cards. I question myself every day, I hate my body, and I wonder what I've done to deserve such heartache. It's a lot to live and deal with. Some days, I just want to give up, because the pain is just to unbearable. it's taken me HOURS to write this because I just end up crying (which I shouldn't do at work) and this depression and everything else affects my job performance and my relationships, hell, it affects everything in my life. I hate having to put on a happy face when all I want to do is cry.

I do want to be content with just us three, but I'm not sure how to. I'm not sure how to give up on that dream and let go of the morning an grief that comes with not being able to conceive and the grief that comes with loosing a pregnancy. This month I took clomid and some other medication that was supposed to help my body and yet all it did was screw me up. I don't understand how even with help, things still don't work. How can i be so broken that even medications don't help?

Ug, sorry for unleashing that all on you

Results of my ultrasound... and other stuff

A photo I took this weekend "Washed away dreams"

Well I never did update after the ultrasound, mostly because I was so disappointed, angry, upset... you name it.  The appointment did not go as well as I hoped and the doctor was sort of a preoccupied douche. So. He's not typically like that, so I don't know what's going on.

Anyways, he did the ultrasound, which lasted a whole 3 minutes and simply pulled out the wand and said, "I don't see anything, you'll just have to try again next month."

Great.

He did ask me when I took the Clomid and was very surprised when I told him I had a very positive OPK on CD 13 and 14. According to that, I SHOULD have ovulated. The whole appointment was spent with him being completely distracted on his phone and looking distraught. He answered 3 text messages while I was in his office. I didn't feel I could even ask him the questions that I had. Some being about my health and if he would suggest early screenings for breast cancer.

I ended up crawling back into my hole and upset about the whole thing. Why does my body have be so freaking messed up and stupid? I'm on a fertility medication that is supposed to induce ovulation and my typically late ovulating body just decides not to ovulate at all? F'ed up. If my body was a person and was my friend... I'd get rid of it. I hate my body with an undying passion. HATE IT.

I got somewhat positive OPKs about a week later, but I'm not sure if they are true positives. My CM is all screwed up, so I can't go by that either, and my cervix just seems open all the time and I don't find that to be a reliable source either. To top it off, DH didn't want to BD on Monday so we broke our every other day ritual and the next time we will even have a chance to BD will be on Thursday, which leave 4 days between the last time we did. UGH. I really hope I did ovulate, I hate that I could potentially be throwing this cycle down the drain because of our stupid cycles. Not to mention, August 1st is coming up quickly and I am just dreading the day. \

Otherwise, this past Saturday really couldn't have been better. I got a mani/pedi for 9 dollars and this awesome nail treatment for an extra 10$. It is a gel polish that won't chip or peel. I was skeptible at first, but here I am, 4 days later and they look just as good as when I first got them done. I'm sold. Nail poslish never stays on!

After the mani/pedi I met some new mothers and then we headed out to eat dinner some place new. We landed ourselves at a Thai restaurant that served very yummy peanut chicken with broccoli and carrots. Served with a warm bowl of white rice.

If the evening couldn't get any better, we headed out to the beach. Spending the evening on the beach is heaven. It isn't so hot out that you're melting and there are far less people on the shore as well. I was able to get a bunch of wonderful pictures and we all enjoyed an evening outside. I really needed a weekend like this. Especially after the not so great news on Tuesday. It was so nice to reconnect with my family and to spend some time together. Lately I have been so stuck in this dark place that I forget to look around and see all the great things in my life.

Ultrasound today

I'm not sure what exactly to expect. But I have one today at 3:45. I'm really hoping he can tell me that I have ovulated. I'm unsure and I went to take my temp today and I dropped the damn thing in the toilet! So I washed it off really quickly, checked for water, the thermometer beeped really strangely, so I pulled the back off to check the battery. When I put it back on, I bent the connector, *sigh*.

So no temp today. I think I'll go by one this afternoon and temp tomorrow, though I'm not sure how much I can rely on that since it's a different one. Maybe I'll wait if the doctor can tell me that I ovulated.

I'm really getting nervous that maybe I didn't ovulate, or I haven't yet, my OPK was super dark yesterday.

So i guess I could have ovulated yesterday or maybe I will today, or maybe even tomorrow.

Forth of July was uneventful. We didn't do much. A and I hung out at the house and when DH got home we went and checked out the fireworks. A did great on the bus ride over but while we were there she was a mess. Screaming, crying, and throwing herself on the ground. Fantastic! But, then she was an angel on the bus ride back to our car. *laugh* Maybe she didn't like the fireworks. I wanted to get a family picture, but that didn't happen. We barely got any pictures of us together.

My birthday is in 2 weeks, so hopefully we'll be able to get some then. I think we're going to head to the aquarium.

I've got a positive OPK today!!!!!

I took an OPK this morning and it was very negative! I hate starting the day discouraged.

I needed to go take my picture of the day, so A and I headed to the local botanical gardens. It wasn't raining today, the sun was out, and the sky was blue. An outdoor activity sounded perfect! But, boy oh boy, was it hot!!! I put 50 SPF on A and she still got a slight burn on her legs :(, we were only out for an hour. Yikes! However, I was able to get a few good pictures, mission accomplished.

We got to eat lunch with Daddy and then headed home to take a nap.

I'm amazed at how quickly 2 hours pass when I'm processing photos. Anyways I took an OPK before I headed up to get the pictures on my computer and it was indeed positive. I've never had a positive opk this early in my cycle! It amazes me that I can happen so early! I suspect ovulation is happening today or tomorrow. I have a temp dip today, so we'll see. We are going to try and BD today and tomorrow and then continue with every other like planned.

Here are pics



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