Saturday, March 19, 2011

So I've been thinking...

I've had a lot of emotions these past few days and because of that I've been having major mood swings and just a sense of irritation. I'm really not sure why and I want to get to the bottom of it. I'm not a happy go lucky person anyways, but these morbid thoughts are consuming.

This week I was sitting at a red light and as I was watching my rearview mirror sone ass comes up on me way to quick, my heart starts racing and my mind starts turning like crazy. What do I think? Try worse case scenario times three.

My mind automatically goes to what if he hits me, what if he hits me hard enough to push me into oncoming traffic, what if when he does that the semi hits me, then I'm pinned in my car, and the fire rescue team comes. What if I'm so stuck that when they move me out I'd likely die so they call J and A to say goodbye. What will they say, what will I say? How will my family act, what will they say too...

Well you get the point. It's not just with traffic, it's with a ton if other things (like J or A having something horrible happen to them). This is a major part of my ppd. Though, I know I was like this before pregnancy, just not as bad. I hate it, it doesn't make me feel good. I mentioned this to my therapist, so we'll see where that takes me.

I NEED to change my thought process. I WANT to be able to see things in a more positive light.

I think the lack of sleep and time to myself is wearing on me. I'm tired, so so tired. Averaging 4 1/2 hours of sleep blows. A hasn't been going o sleep until well past midnight, she's teething, and is just a beast. So since she's up I have zero time alone, no time to unwind, or to have on second of peace and quiet, such is parent life, huh? Well I can guarantee it's not the same. Most children I know go to bed around 8, maybe 9, and then the parents get some time together. If said baby is a monster at bed, most parents have each other to switch off. Now, I know I'm not a single parent (God bless them, they are amazing), but because of our schedules, when I get home from work I move into that ingle patent role when J goes to work.

I feel bad for A when I'm at the end of my rope and I'm less than caring when she's whining. I wish I had the patience of my day time self. Tonight we are trying a new trick with dd, we called daddy so he could say goodnight. This was at 10:40, so we'll see if she stays asleep. I hope so!

I love my husband, more than I could ever express. He's so patient and understand during all of my struggles. I know that I doubt him sometimes, but I don't think id ever find another man that would be willing to put up with my shit or would would treat me so well. He really is my best friend and I am just so lucky to have him.

This picture here is a painting I did on my husbands card for our third anniversary.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad


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