Wishing Monday would never come...

My stomach is in knots thinking about having to deal with work. Ugh. Im sure Friday was more of an event for me than it was for my boss and I'm sure it's a bigger deal to me and I'm sure I'm taking this all more personally than I should, but n this moment, I can't help but be sick to my stomach.

I don't know how to leave this depression at home and I don't know how to dig myself out of this hole every morning before I go into work. How do I fake happy? Sure I can smile and say I'm doing okay, but how can I force myself to get up and chit chat with coworkers when I can barely get myself out of bed and into work on time?

I know my evaluate as a whole wasn't terrible, I got "meets" or whatever, not needs improvement, or anything like that. I didn't get written up and I know most if what she told me is because I'd rather stay in my office, do my job, and work with faculty, instead of getting out and physically walking to her office to tell her what in doing. I'd rather email. I'd rather not have to talk to more people than I need too.

Ugh, I wish I could just quit my job.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

How Postpartum Depression Affects my life...

I started off this day wanting to write a post on how my medication was treating me. That I got new clothes and that I sent my rings off to get re-polished and re-dipped. I was going to talk about how my car accident settlement was closed. I wanted to make a good post today. I wanted to be in a good place today, after all, it's Friday.

But today, I had my annual evaluation for my job. And I learned the following:

1. That I'm not a good team player with the rest of our group in terms of interaction and showing initiative and self motivation. 
2. I'm not proactive in terms of: communication (letting my supervisor know what I'm working on), independently coming up with ideas for new ways of offering training and support, and researching/recommending new technologies. 

So let me address the first one. I'm not a team player because I don't leave my office to go chit-chat with other coworkers, either about life or about work related things. I'd rather just send an email. I shut my door because I don't want to hear all of the noise and I close my blinds because I don't want to watch the pregnant girl prancing down the hall all giddy and happy. So I'm not a team player because while at work, I have to internalize everything I'm feeling because hell, who wants to talk to a pessimistic mother going through depression.

No self motivation. Of course I don't have self motivation. I'm depressed. I live in a dark dark cave all by myself. I'm sad, I cry, I hate my fucking life, why would I be motivated? I was coming out of the clouds of PPD and then I got into a car accident which sent me into a spiral of anxiety and dark thoughts of dying while I was driving. Not to mention the months upon months of constant 24/7 pain. I finally turned a corner and then I miscarried. I lost the one thing I wanted the most, all while going through infertility. I don't think anybody that's THAT unhappy with their life is motivated. That doesn't even touch the thoughts and feelings about my Grandfather's near passing. My life sucks right now.

She also mentioned that because I don't go out and say hi and chit chat that I'm not giving myself a good perception and "perception becomes reality," apparently I must be looking like a stuck up bitch sitting in my office all day. Does anybody ever stop by and see me and ask ME how I'm doing? Why do I need to go out on a limb if they don't? Most of the woman here are already in a clique, being new, and spending my entire first year on a different floor and out on maternity leave didn't exactly welcome me into the group. 

I never knew HOW much this affected my job. I do my job. I do what's required of me, but I just can't go beyond that because, well, I just can't. I don't want too, I don't have the motivation or the drive too. But, I do, DO my job. I meet with tons of faculty, I conduct training classes, all while putting on a fake smile and being VERY pleasant and delivering excellent customer service. Apparently, that doesn't count though. I constantly get praises from the faculty I work with, because I'm an excellent trainer. I go well beyond my duties to help them with their online courses.

Of course, while she was explaining this all to me, I cried. I always cry. I wish I didn't, but really, I can't help it. Seeing how "real" this all is, it hurts. It hurts to think about why I'm sucking at my job. She mentioned how well I did the first year. In my head I was thinking, of course I was motivated, of course I was more interactive... it was because I was HAPPY. I was pregnant, finally, I was excited about being a mom. I was in a much better head place.

My boss knows I've been dealing with PPD, she knows about the miscarriage, the anxiety, the stuff with my Grandfather. But I don't think she understands that I can't truly just leave it at home. It is so easy to leave work at work. But not so much when it is the other way around. I can't leave my life at home, because no matter WHERE I go, I'm still a mother, a wife, a sister, a daughter, I'm still depressed, I'm still unhappy, it's not a switch I can just turn on and off. It is me.

I reiterated that I am happy with my job, I do really enjoy working with faculty, but *I* am not happy because of my life.

She also suggested not to "bite off more than I can chew," in terms of starting classes for my Masters. I have all the paper work ready, I was only going to take one class this term. I need some type of goal and something to keep my mind off of it all. And school, is bettering myself, it makes ME feel good.

I probably should go back on meds, but I'm scared too. Not because of the way they affect ME, because I have seen the changes, but because I'm afraid of them causing another miscarriage. I got a cortisone injection in my wrist the cycle I fell pregnant and then I miscarried. To be honest, I blame myself for killing my baby. I don't want to do that again.

My medication!

I was able to call my doctor and get my prescriptions. I was a little nervous when I first called in. I thought maybe they'd question me on the phone or the doctor would take it back *laugh*, it's crazy right!? But they didn't, the staff there were as kind as always and got my prescriptions ready and I was able to pick them up on my way home from work. I ran in and ran out. No questions, no hassles, just smiles. I love my OB office. Seriously.

I ran over to Wal*Mart, since Clomid and Estradiol are on their cheap list. It took an hour but I walked out with scripts in hand and an new found sense of hope. Maybe, just maybe, these meds will help! The total cost, 13 dollars. That's it!

I also picked up some EPO to help with CF since I have read  that Clomid can dry everything up and make a more hostile environment. I'm hoping that the EPO, Estradiol, and Preseed, I'll have the perfect environment so egg can meet sperm with out any type of death.

Last night I also ordered some OPKs, HPTs (they were in a packaged deal). I got 40 OPKs and 10 HPTs for 9 dollars. I also went ahead and ordered RRL (Red Raspberry Leaf) capsules, they are supposed to help with the uterine lining and other menstrual type problems. That was only 5 dollars. Did I mention I'm also taking Bee Pollen capsules? That's supposed to help with egg quality.

Here are my pills! I start Clomid tomorrow (CD 3). I hope I don't get any of the side effects (other than pregnancy! Yeah!!!). I'm mostly worried about the dizzyness. If I have any readers out there, is it best to take it in the morning, afternoon, or evening? Does it matter? I should have asked the doctor!

In other news, AF has not been treating me kindly. More so the endo. Again, I wish I knew for sure, but I'm pretty sure based on symptoms, this is what is causing all of my pain. I had to bring my heating pad with me to work and I've already taken 2 doses of Ibuprofen. I think if I get AF next cycle, I'm going to ask my OB for a stronger pain med script. At least some high dose Ibuprofen! Something. The worse pain is when gas is moving or when I'm having a BM (TMI, I know!, but hey, we all have them). So all of that on top of the usual uterine cramping. It just isn't pleasant. I'd love a hot bath right about now. The only good thing, since I've switched to cloth pads, my periods are not nearly as heavy, in fact, I would just call them light and on the heaviest days, it would be medium. They are just SUPER SUPER painful! In a pain scale, right now, I'm at 8 of 10.

A large temp dip, cycle plans, and other updates

Makes AF inevitable.

HUGE drop, means the cycle is coming to a close.

*sigh* I didn't want to be here. This hurts. Now that I know for sure, that this cycle is over, I hope it hurries up and get's over with so I can call the doctor. I'm slightly worried that insurance will not cover the ultrasound. It's already not covering the medication, though, that's pretty cheap. Thankfully, clomid is only 9 dollars for 5 days worth of pills. I'm not sure how much the estrogen will cost.

I have been having major cramps and horrible lower back pain for the last 2 days. My back feels like it is on fire! I should have packed my heating pad with me today. I'm not sure what I'm going to do if it gets worse while I'm at work. For some reason, I cannot use those stick on heating pads (Thermacare?) any more. They burn my skin. Seriously, my skin gets red and blisters! I never had that happened before, but the last two cycles that I've used them, it's happened.

Here is my doctor ordered Clomid Schedule: 

If AF starts today, I will start my first pill on the 23rd. Meaning I will take them from June 23rd to June 27 (CDs 3 - 7).
My day 14 ultrasound will be on July 5th (should be on July 4th, but I'm pretty sure they are closed that day).
I will take Estrogen June 28th - July 2nd (CDs 8-12)
Try to have intercourse every other day between June 30 - July 10th (CDs 10 - 20)
My CD 25 progesterone draw will be on Friday July 15

Confusing? How about a calendar?

Color Code: Light Green - instructed days of intercourse, Dark Green - my typical fertile days, Golden Egg - Average Ovulation day,  Yellow - usual LP, Red - Typical start of a new cycle

 Wow, that took me a while to get it sized right! It's scary to see that I can even FIT that year marker up there. I think black is a fitting color. I'm interested to see WHAT clomid will do to my cycle. I've heard so many conflicting things from it making woman ovulate sooner to delaying ovulation. I'm hoping for an earlier ovulation, wouldn't that be grand! I have also read that clomid hurts your cervical fluid (CF) so we bought Preseed to help. This expensive bottle of lube is supposed to help normalize the PH balance and keep the swimmers alive. We used it this cycle in hopes we wouldn't need clomid and well, that failed. We'll give it another go, I know DH doesn't like the idea of having to pay 22 dollars for a small bottle.

So with all of this "timed" intercourse, I also have to plan my time up in my hometown accordingly. My Grandfather is NOT doing well at all. I spoke with my father on Friday and learned some things that he was keeping from me. News was not good. I'll just do a list so I don't have to narriate:

• Grandpa had multiple mini strokes
• His MRI and CatScan revealed atrophies in his brain and the doctors don't understand why he is does not have full blown Alzheimer's or dementia. He has had several episodes where he has not been himself.
• Kidneys are failing
• Heart is weaking and failing
• Lungs are failing
• Liver is shutting down
• He needs constant care (of which is insurance denied him!), Dad's G/f has been helping him daily. 
• He cannot drive, shower, shave, cook, clean, get to the bathroom on his own. 

On top of all that, when they did his gallbladder surgery, a stone got loose and they had to put some type of stint in to block the stone. They however, did not remove it before closing. Which means, within the next 3 months they have to repeat surgery to remove the stint. I guess it can't stay in for more than 3 months. This next surgery could very well kill him. The surgery itself is minor, but its the anesthesia that his body might not handle well. 

Right now I'm planning on making a trip once a month.  This is going to be a huge strain on our family, especially with us trying to do a slightly medicated cycle. The cost of gas is ridiculous. But I don't want the guilt of not going and then my grandfather passes.

The doctors are giving him no more than a year. While his surgeons give him about 6 months.

Right now

this is me

I feel incredibly defeated. I am sad. I'm angry. I feel like my life is so broken. I've not gotten over the miscarriage and as AF approaches, those feelings come out of hiding. There are days where I feel okay, where I feel less like a failure, but when I'm facing the start of a new cycle, once again, those feeling come flooding back. I have a feeling my husband finds this incredibly annoying. Like I should be "over this already." Maybe he doesn't and maybe I should give him more credit.

Right now I should be just over 9 weeks. I should have already seen and heard the baby on an ultrasound. I should be sick with morning sickness, fighting pregnancy migraines, and I should be so incredibly happy.

But, here I am. I am none of those things right now. I hate TTC. I hate it so much. I hate that a year is coming up. I hate that my next step is having to take clomid. Doesn't that officially mark me as infertile? I don't want to be infertile, I don't want to have to go through this. Why can't I be blessed enough to have children when I want them. Why can I not get pregnant by just sleeping by my husband, buy thinking about being pregnant? I wish I was as fertile as all those unfit teen parents. I'm doing everything "right," I'm married, I eat healthy, drink lots of water, I don't drink alcohol, I don't smoke, I don't get high or do drugs, and most of all, I WANT another baby.

Fuck. This isn't fair.

I need to get away. I want to go on a lovely weekend holiday up in the mountains. I want to get away from where I am in this moment. I don't want to be 'here'.

Maybe, by the grace of God, this is all one cruel joke and AF will never come. But, I imagine I'll be putting in a call to the OB on Tuesday to get my prescriptions.

A lot of different feelings tonight...

I was texting a friend, E, and she was letting me know that one of our mutual friends had miscarried. Saddened, as I had just hen through this myself, I told E to let her know that she cam call me if she would like.

Then I got to thinking. It seems like I have been through, me alone, so many things that my friends together have g through. Meaning that I suffer through these different things while each friend might have just one. My friend E has been blessed with such a healthy life, in fact most of my friends have. Me, my list is long.

1. Infertility
2. Postpartum Depression
3. Miscarriage
4. Endometriosis (though not officially diagnosed as I have not had surgery)
5. Gestational Diabeties
6. Neck sprain (whip lash)
7. bulged disk (and the treatment relating to number 6 and 7, including chiropractic care, trigger point injection, physical therapy, and permanent ownership of a cervical traction device)
8. Arthritis in the knees
9. Tendinitis in both thumbs, plus cortisone injection
10. Carpal tunnel syndrome, plus cortisone injections
11. Migraines
12. Anxiety
13. Talk therapy
......

And the list goes on. I'm like a book of been there done that. My friends have issues and it's like they all come to me for questions because I've already been through something similar. I'm not sure I like that.

Today I'm feeling really overwhelmed for various reasons. Mostly because of money, we have started getting in more bills for all my treatment regarding the accident. How I wish I could sue the girl that hit me. She has really inconvenienced my life. I really want to have words with her. I just pray everything sorts itself out. but until then, I'm feel like I'm stuck in an endless state of worry.

I'm also now in the TWW and I'm anxious in knowing if I'll be lucky enough to get pregnant two months in a row. While I'm glad I have clomid offered to me I'd rather not have to take it. I would rather not need help to get pregnant. So these next two weeks I am definitely going to be on the edge. Which is bad if I'm trying to relax and let my body be in the best state to conceive in. Ugh. Double edged sword.

All this just makes me so so tired.

TTC update

So much for not trying/not preventing. I have been loosely tracking my cycle and it appears I will be ovulating any day now. Probably tomorrow or Wednesday. We have also bought preseed in hopes that will help as well. My OPK has gotten darker since this morning, so it might even go positive tonight I will know more tomorrow when I test again. I only have 3 opks left so I can't waste them!

It seems every time I get pregnant I happen to have a massage during or close to the TWW. I will be booking one for Thursday or Saturday. Mostly because my neck has been super tight and I have started to get migraines again.

I'm excited about the hope that clomid will bring, but, I really don't want to have to take. I pray that this is the time for us and that my body is working in perefect order.

Sharing

I currently do not share my blog. I don't hold any personal information on it (more like identifying) in fear that people will be judgmental. Plus, who really wants to know what's going on in my head? Especially when I'm going through an especially dark time? I know that in my ramblings, I'm talking about what I'm going through, what I'm thinking, and how I'm feeling. I never use it to vent about people (except the one about DH and work, but it was relevant to how I was feeling!), so maybe it would be safe to share? I don't know.
I don't want calls from my family members telling me that they are concerned about me. Because, this space that I have, is a place for me to work out what I'm feeling. It's by no means and end all to everything. I don't want a misinterpretation to a situation that I'm currently moving through, because yes, I do go to a VERY dark place sometimes. I don't want that held against me.

I've joined the NetworkedBlogs on Facebook, but I don't syndicate anything, I'm thinking about going with Twitter first. Mostly, because I hardly use it... though, maybe I will now. I don't currently have any friends or family on there, so maybe it will be relatively safe.

I will not keep silent

Therefore I will not keep silent;
I will speak out in the anguish of my spirit,
I will complain in the bitterness of my soul.
JOB 7:11

I have been reading Hannah's Hope since the miscarriage. I downloaded it before I found out I was pregnant because I have really been struggling with self pity, anger, jealously, bitterness, and envy. I really wasn't in a good place. I didn't buy it until I miscarried and in a world of despair and grief. This book has helped me realize many things and most of all it is helping me learn and work through all of these feelings. It is helping me in my path to find God and to learn about his teachings and His word.

Religion has always been a sore spot because I'm I'll informed about it all. I have NEVER been an atheist. I believe in aspects of science. I believe in the rules of evolution. I believe that sone higher power, God, had to create this all. While I still struggle with this idea, I equally struggled with the idea of nothing becoming something in science as well.

Through all of the trials of my life, I do believe that they have made me stronger and I personally believe I saw the hands of God touch my life in 2009 when I got offered a new job, moved, and got pregnant. EVERYTHING worked out in a matter if months. It was perfect. Those events got me thinking as my faith then was not even a piece of dust floating in the air. But through my eyes, I saw my entire life change in an instant. Change for the good and it was out of my hands.

Since then, I have always called it a divine intervention.

Now, as I sit here struggling with secondary infertility and heartache I have started to turn to the bible for comfort and hope and boy, do I need hope. I've been learning a lot and there is a drive within me to keep learning, to keep reading, and to ask questions.

Since picking up Hannah's Hope, my outlook has changed, I feel a since of faith that my hopes, dreams, and prayers will be answered... at least in some way anyways. You know, it is hard to have faith. It is hard to not place blame for your heart ache and grief on somebody else. It is hard not to be angry and bitter. It is hard, when things just don't go the way you expect them too.

I think this miscarriage is one of the biggest since if grief I have ever had to endure. I have never felt my body collapse like that, the since of weakness and giving into the cries. I felt like it would be better to die than to live through this. Oh, it hurt, it still does hurt. And while I cannot stop the feelings of grief or the tears that will flow when I talk or think about it, I think I'm getting better. It hurts a little less and I can laugh a little more.

I know to some this reaction would seem silly, some would think, "it wasn't even a baby," and if you think this, please don't tell me. Because it was a baby, it was ours and I'm grieving the loss of that baby and all of the dreams and hopes that I had for it. It's amazing to me how quickly you become bonded with a being inside of you, for me, it was instant. After trying to conceive for what seems longer than anybody I know in real life, is devastating to have it all taken away in an instant.

What I have learned through my experience with postpartum depression is that I cannot contain my feelings and bury them deep within me to just be locked away, because doing that means you don't deal with them. You must deal with those feelings order to move forward.

To help me deal, I blog. I'm not sure my friends in family in my real life understand, as they have never had to deal with this personally. I know if I were them, I wouldn't know what to say either. But I hope that through my experience and me sharing my experiences openly and honestly, I can help another woman going through the same thing. This is a terrible thing to go through alone.

I have the scripture at the beginning if my post because it really spoke to me.

Therefore I will not keep silent;
I will speak out in the anguish of my spirit,
I will complain in the bitterness of my soul.

This tells me that it is okay that I talk about my hurt. It is okay that I feel the way I do and that I need to express it not only to myself, but to Him. I think it is also important for your loved ones to know how you feel so they can be supportive and help you through. I've read that it is okay to be angry with God and that he can take it. I've read that He feels your hurt.

While I don't know what this all means yet, I know that it's okay for me to feel the way I do and in turn, ask why?

This is quite a journey I'm on. It is scary, sad, heartbreaking, depressing, and most of all, empowering.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad