Tuesday, May 31, 2011

OB doctors appointment

I had my follow up for the miscarriage today.

The first thing he said to me when he came in the room was, "what exactly am I doing for you today?"

Sigh, so I had to explain that the nurse said I should come in fir a follow up, and well, here I was. He didn't understand why she would do that, told me to get dressed and to come to his office. Dr. L said he wasn't going to torture me with the ultrasound today.

I immediately thought, what a waste if money, can I get it get it refunded?, and I can't believe I have just wasted my time!

While in his office, he asked me how I was doing, then had to clarify that he meant physically. Physically, I am doing okay, it's the mentally that's all messed up right now. I promised myself I wouldn't cry, I was going to stay strong, well that didn't happen. Instant tears. Ugh.

Dr. L asked me if I was still taking the lexapro, I told him no, and he suggested that if I start feeling myself not getting over this and going back down that slippery slope, that I should consider going back on it. Being sad and crying is all normal, but if it doesn't stop, I need to get help. I agree.

In the mist off all the tears, we discussed a little bit about my fertility and the concerns that I had. I mentioned my fears if not conceiving in another 9 months and with endometriosis.He reminded him that up to a year can be normal for some couples. He doesn't know why it takes some longer than others, but its normal.

He told me that typically with endometriosis, if it is really severe, I wouldn't have conceived Addison and I probably wouldn't have conceived this time, he said that things are obviously working with both of us. All good points.

But then I asked him, what do I do when it gets to be a year? I told that date is August first and the way my cycles are, that's about 1 1/2 cycles. What then? Because I don't know what I should be doing. He told me that we could try a few "tweaks" to my cycle and see if that helps and he be can to tell me about clomid.

He gave me a sheet of paper with instructions and told me to call on the first day if bleeding and the nurse will call in a prescription of clomid and estrogen. I asked him what the estrogen and he told me it s to combat the side effects of the clomid creating a thin lining. So, if I don't conceive this cycle, then at least i have a plan. It makes me feel a bit more confident.

As I was leaving he told me that we should really try and have fun with having sex because TTC can really make it into a chore. He also told me that I need to make sure I have an orgasim :blush: because the contractions help bring everything up where it should be.

My ob also said (when I told him i was worried about not conceiving again for another 9 months), "...and what if you don't conceive for another 9 months, so what?"

It wasn't said spitefully and I guess he has a point.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Friday, May 27, 2011

Feeling pretty empty

We are on or way home. A vacation post will be later.

Just the thought of going back to my home makes me want to vomit. I don't want to be there. I'm already getting upset and silently crying in the car as my husband drives unaware.

It has been nice to just pretend that loosing the pregnancy never happened and that all the bleeding was just af. I wish I could just keep pretending and be in a complete state of denial. But going back to my same environment is bringing back all of those emotions that I haven't yet worked through. I'm so angry and I'm snaping at my husband, I'm yelling, crying, ugh! I wish I could just shrug this off. I wish that I only thought of this early pregnancy as a bunch of cells not really yet developed. But I don't and I hurt so much. I can't help but think of what could have been and all the dreams I had for this second baby. I never knew I wanted this SO bad.

I wish J would show alittle more emotion, I wish I could see him shed one tear for the loss of our child, but he is more of a, "well, we will just have to get back on out next month..." Sometimes I hate his optimism.

I hope I'm wrong and that all my fears stay fears and that God does see me as a fit parent of two (or more). Im reading Hannah's Hope. It is really helping me with through the emotions and hurt of infertility and the miscarriage.

I really need peace and I felt like I was so close... Until this got thrown at me.

Friday, May 20, 2011

Miscarriage is officially "Official"

I called the doctor's office today to ask about my blood work results. After a few minutes of holding and having my stomach in my throat, I got on the phone with my Doctor's nurse. She informed me that my levels have indeed dropped and that they were now at 4. Less than 5 is considered "non-pregnant," so at least all that's over with (now for emotional healing! ugh).

I asked her about TTC again and she told me that Dr. L usually recommends waiting an entire cycle before trying again. I'm not sure if I'm willing to wait an entire cycle, what if this next cycle was my baby for keeps? I was told that I should probably keep the appointment I made for my first prenatal so I can have a follow up with Dr. L to make sure everything is 'gone.' I'm sure going to that appointment is going to have me in a ball of mess with tears flowing liberally. I think I might mention getting a lap for endometriosis again to see what he says, maybe even some additional blood work. I don't want this happening again.

Emotionally I'm still on an up and down roller coaster, I'm sure the falling hormone levels are NOT helping. But I'm also completely consumed with grief and I'm just not sure what to do with myself. I wanted to be pregnant and have another baby, so freaking bad. I can't believe the amount of heartache I'm experiencing. it's unreal and it's horrible. All I can do is cry and take one day at a time. I probably need to find a good book to read.

Family vacation starts next week. I'm beyond excited. Well, I'm trying to be and I was much more excited before the events of this week occurred. But I'm going to try and have a good time anyways. I hope it's enough distraction so i can start to move forward.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

I lost a child today

Taken May 12, 6:30 am.

My baby may not have been old enough to have a heartbeat, I will never get to see him on an ultrasound, hear his heartbeat, feel the kicks, and I won't get morning sickness, migraines, or the aches and pains. But, I lost my baby today, I lost hopes and dreams.

I am sick with heartache, I'm devastated, and numb.

My tests have been positive for over a week, I got my first on May 12, 2012. They were defiantly positive, pink, clear lines, "pregnant" on the digital, there is no doubt. But, in testing, I noticed that the lines never got darker. They stayed just the same.

On Monday, I started to bleed. I completely broke down, sitting there on the toilet as I stared the clot on the tissue, I felt so broken. So incredibly broken. The bleeding picked up, but by night, it had tapered off. In called my OB on Monday and explained the bleeding, but they weren't very concerned. Because bleeding in early pregnancy can be normal. But, when I mentioned that the lines on the tests weren't progressing and seemed light, she ordered me for a blood draw. I got that done on Tuesday.

Last night I was woken up around 3:30 am with severe cramping and when I got up to go to the bathroom, there was a gush of blood. I don't know if it was from pooling since I was sleeping or if I passed a clot. Either way, it was a lot of blood.

I called the ob today and told them about the additional bleeding. I also found out my hCG level was 18. Officially pregnant, but it's low and I was told I was probably really early or I was miscarrying. I have another blood draw to confirm, but we can all be sure of the outcome. We need to make sure the numbers are going down.

The cramps are intense and the bleeding is coming and going. At times it is heavy and at others it is light and spotty. I really just wish it would end. I hate having some symptoms of pregnancy knowing that I know longer have a baby growing inside if me.

Flowers from a friend and the last positive test.

Emotionally, I'm not doing so great. I'm going up and down and as long as I do other things that don't allow me to think about what is happening, I'm okay. But the moment I have a moment to myself and to think, its instant tears. I feel like a huge failure. We've tried and tried for nine months and then we are so happy to finally get pregnant, only to have it ripped away from us. I just don't have words, and I hate every part if this.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Monday, May 2, 2011

Pain Update

It has been over a week since I had the trigger point injections and since then I have gotten two massages on my upper back and neck. I must say I see major improvement! Finally, a good update. I highly dislike the electric stem therapy. I think that alone, put me worse off than what I was before. Those trigger point injections hurt, but, they really helped release the muscles so they could start to heal. That paired with the massage was like a miracle in working.

You think a massage would be relaxing, but these two were so painful. The first one worse than the second. But totally worth it! If I have any problem, I'm going to the massage therapist FIRST and then I'll seek more "traditional" medical help.

I also got cortisone injections into the tendon that runs in my thumb and through the inside of my wrist. The injection itself wasn't bad. I instantly felt numb and tingly. As that wore off, I experienced the worse pain of my life. Borderline going to the ER. Out of 10, the pain was a 9, my wrist was inflamed and red. After ice therapy and anti inflammatories for 2 days, I started to feel better. I've read the injections don't take their full effect for a couple weeks but as of now, the pain is the same (if not a tad worse) than it was before the injections. My hands are still cramping up when I use them while doing specific activities, like washing my hair or whisking ingredients together. I was supposed to go in today, but had to cancel. I will be going next Monday.

Hopefully then my insurance will have my knee joint replacement injections approved. I'd like to get that started so I'm more inclined to get out and get some exercise.

We are also starting a mold free diet this week so I can see if it improves my joint pain. It's pretty strict. Wish me luck.

Some Reflection

While I've not outwardly expressed it, these last couple weeks have been tough. Before my trigger point injections I was in the most pain of my life. Chronic pain is debilitating and while most people don't "see" anything wrong with you, it's tough to get through the day to day doings. I would have rathered stayed in bed and slept.

I was thinking about it as my year "anniversary" of TTC #2 is coming up shortly (3 months) about putting things off in loo of TTC. Like, getting my knees looked at, getting my hands 'fixed', and possibly being on medication to treat the mood disorders. I feel stupid. So, stupid for thinking that if I wait just one more month, I'll be pregnant. I've put off treatment for my hands for YEARS. They have been giving me problems since before I was pregnant with A. I didn't get it taken care of right after A because I knew I wanted to TTC shortly after. Now, a year sits at my doorstep and I"m just beginning treatment. Why didn't I just do it sooner. It would be better by now, it would be over. Never again. NEVER again, will I put off my own health for TTC. I hate that trying to get pregnant consumes SO much of my life. I'm done waiting for something to happen. I'm going to *TRY* and plan my life as it is now, with one child.

I was thinking about things we could do for our 4 year wedding anniversary. Every though ends with, if I'm not pregnant. FUCK that. If I am pregnant, I'm still going to go. As long as I'm not endangering my fetus, who cares what I'm doing. Why should I postpone my life for something that may or may not happen. I hate that I do this.

Right now, I can't bear the thought of congratulating one more woman on their unexpected pregnancy. I don't want to hear about another oops or a surprise, or a "we were only trying one month." On my mothering forum, I can't even bare to look in the "TTC forum." I can't, I don't open it, I ignore the threads. It literally hearts my heart and throws my stomach into knots when I even think about opening yet ANOTHER thread about somebody who was blessed enough to get a positive pregnancy test. I tired of pregnant woman on Facebook complaining about being pregnant. I'm tired of woman blessed with more than one child complaining about having more than one child. Give them to me, I'll take them. My heart feels like it has a hole in it. I am not fulfilled. I know I should be and don't take it that I'm not greatful for what I *DO* have, because I am. Addison is my heart walking outside of my body. She is my everything. I love that girl more than anything I could ever imagine loving. She's my baby. But, I'm still missing something.

I'm so tired of living in this body of anguish and being on the verge of tears 24/7. It feels like PPD all over again. But its different at the same time. Some days, I'm so happy. I feel so content and I wish that feeling would just stay. I love that feeling of being at peace. If I could only keep it. One day maybe.

I've started reading the bible. SHOCKED? Me too. Never once did I think I'd ever open that book, who's first line had me close the book completely, every time. But I'm reading and I want to KEEP reading. There are some things (specifically the events that led to my move to S. FL and the pregnancy of Addison) that I can't question the presence of something more powerful than any man on this earth. I think in this time in my life I'm ready to accept faith. Not only because I NEED it, I need to feel like I'm not living for nothing, but because I want it. I CRAVE it. I feel ashamed not seeking it earlier, ashamed that I've never read the bible. I just feel ashamed and I'm not sure why. So, I don't talk about it. Not to people openly. I do talk to my husband. Thank God he's accepting of me and that he loves me. He's open to my questions. He listens. I would have never given it a chance had it not been for him and his unwavering faith.

I need my heart lifted and filled with something I can't get by myself alone. So, I read and I hope that something will "speak" to me. I have no idea "how to pray." It seems silly to have to ask. But I don't know how. But, I'll keep reading anyways.

I'm reading every book of the bible, from start to finish. I know its long, I know it will take forever to read. But this is how I need to do it. I need to understand the big picture. So far, I'm in Numbers. I'm looking forward to the books I have yet to come. Maybe, one day, I'll get baptized. I loved the symbolism of how my friend C got it done. On Easter, in the ocean. How amazing would that be? One day, that will be me too.