Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Dear Friend

I've not updated in a while, mostly because I just don't feel like it. A year of TTC is coming up, August 1st to be exact. I'm devastated and I can only pray that this cycle was successful and that I won't have to continue on. I think I may have ovulated, but to be honest, I cannot be sure. My temps don't tell a good story and it's hard to trust them, especially when they aren't following their normal pattern. I hate not knowing what the hell is going on and I hate not knowing what my body is doing.

I just wrote this to a friend who send me a message via FB about a comment I posted on my picture of the day. I said something about learning to be content with just our "30 toes" or just as a family of three... she sort of opened a can of worms. It's so hard to hold in all this grief with out having a real life friend to talk to about it.

I apologize for the length of this email and the rant that follows. It will be 1 year of TTC (I'll officially be infertile, yeah!) on August 1st, just 6 days from now, the pain I'm feeling about this is indescribable. I feel so incredibly broken and I don't have anybody to talk to, because unless you're going through it, you won't understand... and by no fault of your (general your) own, most tend to say inappropriate things that don't make the situation better. It only makes it hurt worse.

I am by no means content. It's something I need to work on, because there is a chance I will never be able to conceive again, or I will and I could miscarry again. I hate the uncertainty. I don't expect you to understand how HARD this is for me. Infertility is heart breaking and it's not a matter of relaxing, not trying, or just having fun. I have to try to get pregnant. I have to know what my body is doing because it is so irregular, because I probably have endometriosis (where new lesions are being created every time I bleed, binding my organs together and creating a toxic environment inside my body), and PCOS (poly cystic ovarian syndrome, which means my hormones are out of balance, causing depression, hair loss, poor thyroid function, glucose intolerance, weight gain, cysts on my ovaries, and irregular cycles). My ovulation is SO painful that I have to have a heating pad attached to me for over 24 hours just so I don't double over in pain, my periods are SO painful, that I'm stuck in bed, or a bath of hot water, and I spend days with the heating pad again, just to make it through. I can't even go to the bathroom (both 1 and 2) with out wanting to scream out in agony. Over the counter pain medication isn't enough to even take the edge off. I have to bring the heating pad to work so I don't call in. It sucks. Not only can I not get pregnant, but I suffer through intense pain when I start my period. It's like what I'm feeling inside about failing, again, is being brought to life through the pain that I experience.

Just because I have one doesn't mean that I don't want another, it doesn't mean that my heart doesn't hurt every single day for what I can't have. I've always wanted babies, I never questioned it, I never wavered, it is something that I so deeply want. Then for month after month to pass by to only have my heart ripped out of my chest... that on it's own is devastating. But to finally get pregnant JUST to miscarry, I can't even explain how deeply that hurts, how much I want to collapse on the floor and give up. I'm not sure I will ever completely heal from that. Every day is a struggle for me.

I know I am blessed to have Addison, she's amazing and I know I'm blessed to have Jonathan, but I feel so incomplete and my heart aches so badly.

I don't know what I want from this email, but I just needed to put this out there. I'm going through alot more than I let on with people, because again, nobody understands. I would kill to be as fertile as you, or anybody else who can get pregnant within 3 months. To get pregnant when I try and when I want it so badly would be a dream. It's not that I'm "mad" at you for being able to get pregnant, it's that I'm sad for myself and I'm bitter that I would be dealt this hand of cards. I question myself every day, I hate my body, and I wonder what I've done to deserve such heartache. It's a lot to live and deal with. Some days, I just want to give up, because the pain is just to unbearable. it's taken me HOURS to write this because I just end up crying (which I shouldn't do at work) and this depression and everything else affects my job performance and my relationships, hell, it affects everything in my life. I hate having to put on a happy face when all I want to do is cry.

I do want to be content with just us three, but I'm not sure how to. I'm not sure how to give up on that dream and let go of the morning an grief that comes with not being able to conceive and the grief that comes with loosing a pregnancy. This month I took clomid and some other medication that was supposed to help my body and yet all it did was screw me up. I don't understand how even with help, things still don't work. How can i be so broken that even medications don't help?

Ug, sorry for unleashing that all on you :-/

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Results of my ultrasound... and other stuff

A photo I took this weekend "Washed away dreams"
Well I never did update after the ultrasound, mostly because I was so disappointed, angry, upset... you name it.  The appointment did not go as well as I hoped and the doctor was sort of a preoccupied douche. So. He's not typically like that, so I don't know what's going on.

Anyways, he did the ultrasound, which lasted a whole 3 minutes and simply pulled out the wand and said, "I don't see anything, you'll just have to try again next month."


He did ask me when I took the Clomid and was very surprised when I told him I had a very positive OPK on CD 13 and 14. According to that, I SHOULD have ovulated. The whole appointment was spent with him being completely distracted on his phone and looking distraught. He answered 3 text messages while I was in his office. I didn't feel I could even ask him the questions that I had. Some being about my health and if he would suggest early screenings for breast cancer.

I ended up crawling back into my hole and upset about the whole thing. Why does my body have be so freaking messed up and stupid? I'm on a fertility medication that is supposed to induce ovulation and my typically late ovulating body just decides not to ovulate at all? F'ed up. If my body was a person and was my friend... I'd get rid of it. I hate my body with an undying passion. HATE IT.

I got somewhat positive OPKs about a week later, but I'm not sure if they are true positives. My CM is all screwed up, so I can't go by that either, and my cervix just seems open all the time and I don't find that to be a reliable source either. To top it off, DH didn't want to BD on Monday so we broke our every other day ritual and the next time we will even have a chance to BD will be on Thursday, which leave 4 days between the last time we did. UGH. I really hope I did ovulate, I hate that I could potentially be throwing this cycle down the drain because of our stupid cycles. Not to mention, August 1st is coming up quickly and I am just dreading the day. \

Otherwise, this past Saturday really couldn't have been better. I got a mani/pedi for 9 dollars and this awesome nail treatment for an extra 10$. It is a gel polish that won't chip or peel. I was skeptible at first, but here I am, 4 days later and they look just as good as when I first got them done. I'm sold. Nail poslish never stays on!

After the mani/pedi I met some new mothers and then we headed out to eat dinner some place new. We landed ourselves at a Thai restaurant that served very yummy peanut chicken with broccoli and carrots. Served with a warm bowl of white rice.

If the evening couldn't get any better, we headed out to the beach. Spending the evening on the beach is heaven. It isn't so hot out that you're melting and there are far less people on the shore as well. I was able to get a bunch of wonderful pictures and we all enjoyed an evening outside. I really needed a weekend like this. Especially after the not so great news on Tuesday. It was so nice to reconnect with my family and to spend some time together. Lately I have been so stuck in this dark place that I forget to look around and see all the great things in my life.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Ultrasound today

I'm not sure what exactly to expect. But I have one today at 3:45. I'm really hoping he can tell me that I have ovulated. I'm unsure and I went to take my temp today and I dropped the damn thing in the toilet! So I washed it off really quickly, checked for water, the thermometer beeped really strangely, so I pulled the back off to check the battery. When I put it back on, I bent the connector, *sigh*.

So no temp today. I think I'll go by one this afternoon and temp tomorrow, though I'm not sure how much I can rely on that since it's a different one. Maybe I'll wait if the doctor can tell me that I ovulated.

I'm really getting nervous that maybe I didn't ovulate, or I haven't yet, my OPK was super dark yesterday.

So i guess I could have ovulated yesterday or maybe I will today, or maybe even tomorrow.

Forth of July was uneventful. We didn't do much. A and I hung out at the house and when DH got home we went and checked out the fireworks. A did great on the bus ride over but while we were there she was a mess. Screaming, crying, and throwing herself on the ground. Fantastic! But, then she was an angel on the bus ride back to our car. *laugh* Maybe she didn't like the fireworks. I wanted to get a family picture, but that didn't happen. We barely got any pictures of us together.

My birthday is in 2 weeks, so hopefully we'll be able to get some then. I think we're going to head to the aquarium.

Sunday, July 3, 2011

I've got a positive OPK today!!!!!

I took an OPK this morning and it was very negative! I hate starting the day discouraged.

I needed to go take my picture of the day, so A and I headed to the local botanical gardens. It wasn't raining today, the sun was out, and the sky was blue. An outdoor activity sounded perfect! But, boy oh boy, was it hot!!! I put 50 SPF on A and she still got a slight burn on her legs :(, we were only out for an hour. Yikes! However, I was able to get a few good pictures, mission accomplished.

We got to eat lunch with Daddy and then headed home to take a nap.

I'm amazed at how quickly 2 hours pass when I'm processing photos. Anyways I took an OPK before I headed up to get the pictures on my computer and it was indeed positive. I've never had a positive opk this early in my cycle! It amazes me that I can happen so early! I suspect ovulation is happening today or tomorrow. I have a temp dip today, so we'll see. We are going to try and BD today and tomorrow and then continue with every other like planned.

Here are pics

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Saturday, July 2, 2011

I think I'm ovulating soon!!

I'm so excited! I never ovulate this early. My OPK is definitely darker this afternoon. Not positive, but getting close. I'll take another this evening.

See? Much darker! Cervix is high, soft, and open. Plus tons of EWCM, thanks EPO!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Cycle update - Clomid, Estrogen, OPKs, and other things...

My daily meds, EPO, Clomid, Estrogen (though taken on
different days), multi-vitamin, bee pollen, and two Excedrine
for my seems like constant mild migraine!

Tomorrow marks the last day of taking estrogen! I will have completed my first round of medications. Now it's on to waiting to see what my body is doing. THANKFULLY, I think it's doing something!

Along with the Clomid (days 3-7) and the Estrogen (8-12) I have also been taking EPO, Bee Pollen, and my multi-vitamin. I have been taking 3 EPO capsules a day. One in the morning and 2 at night to combat the effects of poor CM while taking Clomid. I love EPO! If you have issues with CM, you must try it. I'm getting great CM.

I haven't gotten any noticeable side effects from the clomid and nothing from the estrogen. I thought I'd be robobitch to DH, but it's not been too bad. I think I may be a bit more emotional, but with the estrogen, I guess that's to be expected, plus with everything going on in my family, it's hard to tell what's what any more. 

Anyways. I'm CD 12 (it's 2 am right now), I do not have a positive OPK, but this is what it looks like now:
 Yesterday was completly white. It might have had a slight line, but not like this. I hope I get a positive SOON! But, I am getting some cramping, which seems to be my new normal. Also, after going to the restroom, when wiping, I got a huge glob of EWCM. That's usually a sign that O is approaching. If you would like to see a picture (just in case if anybody is reading and unsure of what to look for in regards to EWCM, click here to view, please keep in mind that this is a picture of CERVICAL FLUID, so if you get grossed out, don't click: HERE)

I have a feeling that I might just ovulate early!!! I'm super excited about this possiblity. I've never O'ed on time and it would be nice to know what that's all about and it will be even better if my cycle ended in a BIG Fat Positive! Oh I hope I hope I hope!!!

We're continuing our BD schedule, which has just started! Since I like to get ahead of myself, I put in my O date for CD 14, which would be July 4th, and test day would be July 17th, that's a day before my birthday (one that I am dreading very much, and no, it's not 30!). That would be a nice birthday treat. But it seems, that each cycle that has a special testing day, the results would be negative. But I'm staying positive damnit. This would be an awesome birthday present and I can't think of wanting anything more!

Wish us luck, send us prayers, good thoughts, baby dust, whatever you got (as long as its positive and might produce a baby), I'll take it!

It's 2 am and I'm not sure this post makes any sense, but I wanted to make it anyways :)

Friday, July 1, 2011

My journey to a better place.

I'm getting there. SLOWLY. I had a rough weekend and a hard Monday, but I came to work on Tuesday prepared to "do" better. To put myself in a better mood. Force myself to smile, say hi, and to leave my door WIDE open. I buckled down on some loose ends and got them finished. I'll admit, it felt good to finish a project. I have a few more I need to start working on as well. Writing documentation seems to be a never ending task!

I've also picked up my favorite hobby of all, photography. I love it. I LOVE taking pictures. I love sewing, crafting, crocheting, painting, but I love photography more! I'm not that great, but I think my photos turn out okay. Well I finally bit the bullet and bought a new lens, it's a telephoto, which I'm having fun with, as well as many accessories that I needed. A lens hood, macro flash, an adapter ring so I can use some older FD lenses I have, filters, macro filters, and some other little things I know I'm forgetting. I started a 365 project, which you can find the links to on the right. I wanted to start it because with everything that is going on with my life, I needed a distraction. SOMETHING that will take my mind off of all the negative things going on.

I have to say, it's working. All I can think about is what I can take a picture of. Where can I go, what settings should I use, is there a new technique out there... and it goes on. I'm loving it. It FEELS good.

It's been raining this past week. It's off and on showers/thunder showers, mainly happening in the afternoons, typical Florida weather. But, it's really put a damper on what I can do outside with my gear. Yesterday we went to one of the local parks so I could try and get a few outdoor photos (I LOVE the outdoors, the textures of the wood, the patterns and lines on plants, the life, the grennery, not to mention the sweet smell of fresh air). I also got my husband to capture one of my and my daughter... it should look familiar...

She's not making the best face! But I'm smiling well. So there you have it, the real life, "Pessimistic Mother." Umbrella, baby in a back carrier, rain, and all. If it were a wide angle shot, you would see the side walk, just like in the background...

Here is the picture for comparison:
In other news. I found out my grandmother has breast cancer. That awful "C" word. I hate it. Cancer. They said that they think they have caught it early. They are going to do a lumpectomy soon, but won't know the extent of the cancer until they do surgery. Keep her in your prayers.

She marks the second woman on my maternal size to have this type of cancer. My aunt was diagnosed years ago and has had an up and down hill battle with it. She's been in remission twice and last I knew, she was fighting it again. I hate that it keeps coming back.

I'm going to mention this to my OB/GYN and talk to him about when I should start getting mammograms. If I happen to have a gene that increases my risk of getting breast cancer, I want to catch it early.

My family just can't seem to catch a break!

I wanted to go up for the holiday to see my grandfather, but with my daughter sick, I fear giving him any type of bug. I don't want him to decline faster than he already is.

I think I'll be making a separate post about TTC updates and medication. This one is already way to long!