I just wrote this to a friend who send me a message via FB about a comment I posted on my picture of the day. I said something about learning to be content with just our "30 toes" or just as a family of three... she sort of opened a can of worms. It's so hard to hold in all this grief with out having a real life friend to talk to about it.
I apologize for the length of this email and the rant that follows. It will be 1 year of TTC (I'll officially be infertile, yeah!) on August 1st, just 6 days from now, the pain I'm feeling about this is indescribable. I feel so incredibly broken and I don't have anybody to talk to, because unless you're going through it, you won't understand... and by no fault of your (general your) own, most tend to say inappropriate things that don't make the situation better. It only makes it hurt worse.
I am by no means content. It's something I need to work on, because there is a chance I will never be able to conceive again, or I will and I could miscarry again. I hate the uncertainty. I don't expect you to understand how HARD this is for me. Infertility is heart breaking and it's not a matter of relaxing, not trying, or just having fun. I have to try to get pregnant. I have to know what my body is doing because it is so irregular, because I probably have endometriosis (where new lesions are being created every time I bleed, binding my organs together and creating a toxic environment inside my body), and PCOS (poly cystic ovarian syndrome, which means my hormones are out of balance, causing depression, hair loss, poor thyroid function, glucose intolerance, weight gain, cysts on my ovaries, and irregular cycles). My ovulation is SO painful that I have to have a heating pad attached to me for over 24 hours just so I don't double over in pain, my periods are SO painful, that I'm stuck in bed, or a bath of hot water, and I spend days with the heating pad again, just to make it through. I can't even go to the bathroom (both 1 and 2) with out wanting to scream out in agony. Over the counter pain medication isn't enough to even take the edge off. I have to bring the heating pad to work so I don't call in. It sucks. Not only can I not get pregnant, but I suffer through intense pain when I start my period. It's like what I'm feeling inside about failing, again, is being brought to life through the pain that I experience.
Just because I have one doesn't mean that I don't want another, it doesn't mean that my heart doesn't hurt every single day for what I can't have. I've always wanted babies, I never questioned it, I never wavered, it is something that I so deeply want. Then for month after month to pass by to only have my heart ripped out of my chest... that on it's own is devastating. But to finally get pregnant JUST to miscarry, I can't even explain how deeply that hurts, how much I want to collapse on the floor and give up. I'm not sure I will ever completely heal from that. Every day is a struggle for me.
I know I am blessed to have Addison, she's amazing and I know I'm blessed to have Jonathan, but I feel so incomplete and my heart aches so badly.
I don't know what I want from this email, but I just needed to put this out there. I'm going through alot more than I let on with people, because again, nobody understands. I would kill to be as fertile as you, or anybody else who can get pregnant within 3 months. To get pregnant when I try and when I want it so badly would be a dream. It's not that I'm "mad" at you for being able to get pregnant, it's that I'm sad for myself and I'm bitter that I would be dealt this hand of cards. I question myself every day, I hate my body, and I wonder what I've done to deserve such heartache. It's a lot to live and deal with. Some days, I just want to give up, because the pain is just to unbearable. it's taken me HOURS to write this because I just end up crying (which I shouldn't do at work) and this depression and everything else affects my job performance and my relationships, hell, it affects everything in my life. I hate having to put on a happy face when all I want to do is cry.
I do want to be content with just us three, but I'm not sure how to. I'm not sure how to give up on that dream and let go of the morning an grief that comes with not being able to conceive and the grief that comes with loosing a pregnancy. This month I took clomid and some other medication that was supposed to help my body and yet all it did was screw me up. I don't understand how even with help, things still don't work. How can i be so broken that even medications don't help?
Ug, sorry for unleashing that all on you