Monday, September 19, 2011

Ultrasound and Dr. Appointment (not great news)

My appointment today got moved up to 3 pm, so I got to go in early. The doctor was bored and just standing around. Slow day I guess.

He greeted me when I went back. I emptied my bladder and before undressing he asked me what level clomid I have been on. 50 mg. I went in, undressed from the waist down and waited for the doctor. He started the ultrasound and begins looking around. I hear sighs. Dr. L asks me how long it took me to conceive Addison, I told him 9 cycles. He thought I meant 9 cycles with clomid, I quickly corrected and told him no, 9 natural cycles and on the cycle I started e fertility work up is the cycle I became pregnant with her, so he's looking and looking and finally says, well, I don't see anything at all.

WHAT?! Nothing? No, not really. Damn.

So I sit up and he tells me that we can try 100 mg of clomid. I asked him about going to the clinic and if he felt that it was necessary to do so. He told me that he doesn't think so, but I'd I wanted then thats okay. He didn't feel like we have gotten to that point yet and that wouldn't be doing anything different than he is doing now. Probably true. I get dressed and head to his office. He tells me we will do 100mg of clomid next time, if I need it. I asked if maybe I had PCOS and he said no, not from the looks of the ultrasound, but you could have it based on hormone levels. So I went on to ask him about adding metformin. I let him know that I had done some reading and i told him that my fasting levels ave all be high, above 100, and that my 2 hour post meal number has also been borderline high. I have also been having a he'll of a time loosing weight, he told me that is pretty common with PCOS.

Now I have a script for metformin. I start that tonight.

He also told me that my uterus looks GREAT. The lining is fantastic. So I guess thats good news. I didn't think to ask about the actual measurement. I'm going to cancel my RE appointment. At this point in time I don't feel 100% on going. I don't think I would be getting any more from their clinic than I do from my doctor. I feel comfortable with this decision. I'm going to give this a few more rounds. Dr L let me know if that we get to 150 mg of clomid and it still doesn't work then he would recommend that I go to then RE. I'm comfortable with that. With all of my tests coming back normal or just borderline, I don't think they would be doing anytning else and I really don't think they would move to injects. He told me that I don't have to about the progesterone test and I told him that I don't do it when he tells me to anyways LOL I told him that I get the lab draw at 7 dpo. He looked a tad surprised. I don't think he's used to having a patient know their cycle that well. So he wrote me the requisition for the lab work. I'd like to monitor my progesterone to make sure its in OK levels.

I also let him kow how frustrated I was and that may body is giving me all the signs and then nothing. Because right now my ovulation test was getting darker, cervix is wide open, I have a ton of EWCM, ugh. It's so frustrating,

So here is the current plan:
Cancel RE appointment Start Metformin, today
Wait to O, who knows when that will be.
Get a progesterone draw 7 DPO
If af starts then I call in to schedule my CD 14 ultrasound
Start 100mg of clomid
Continue 5 days of estrogen
Continue metformin

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Ovulating Soon... Maybe

In other news, my TTC update...

I have EWCM today. My cervix feels high open and soft. I'm going to pee on an OPK when I get home and I really REALLY hope it's a true positive and I'll be ovulating soon. I really want to be ovulating soon. This will be my third cycle on most of the supplements I'm taking and my second cycle on some others. So hopefully they have had time to build up in my system and start working. Maybe this cycle will make a difference and in 10 months I'll have a baby of my own... well another.

 The last time I got EWCM this early, it was all false and I didn't ovulate until CD 33. Ugh.

You guessed it, another pregnancy announcment

Yup, another. This is the THIRD one in three days. I think that makes for almost 10 in the last couple weeks. TEN. Some of those were surprises and easy to get BFPs (as in, it hasn't taken months and months).

I feel so broken and useless. I'm crying at work and I hate that.

What the hell is wrong with me? I wish it was my turn too. I wish I could drink some of that "water." I wish lines WERE contagious.

I texted DH to let him know and his reply, "Well that sucks, I'm sorry."

Well thanks for the compassion DH. Thanks for those comforting words that will get me through my work day. Thanks a lot.

I have no hope left. None.

Another Pregnancy...

Just not one of my own.

Don't get me wrong. I'm extremely happy for this friend. She has tried for so long and so hard. I wish her nothing but the best and I pray hard that this pregnancy is her take home baby.

But gesh. I don't think I can take another positive pregnancy test. I just can't. I feel like I'm going to fucking explode. I'm so, so jealous. I'm bursting into freaking tears at a drop of a hat and I'm so freaking angry. I'm tired of my husband telling me, well, hopefully this cycle... How many fucking times can you say that. Every cycle he says that and every cycle ends in failure. How can a person have so much hope, so much false hope that maybe by some grace of God that I'll get pregnant *this* time, when all the other times failed.

I'm so tired of this. Why can't I get my baby for free. Why do I have to work so damn hard? Why is it that drug addicts, abusers, and people who don't WANT kids can have them so easily. What in the world have I done to deserve this? Why is God punishing me? Am I that bad of a mother that I don't deserve another? Am I so uncaring, unloving, or unaffectionate? Seriously.

Dear Husband, I know you're hurting too. But for f's sake, please come up with something better to say. I'm sorry, well maybe next time, I hope you are, and so forth are NOT good responses to me when I'm like this. I'm devastated. I'm so freaking devastated and I'm sad and angry and I'm so many different emotions right now that I can't even sort through them. Then add guilt on top of that because who would feel this way when I'm so incredibly blessed to have my daughter. And what makes it worse, is that I should be just over half way through my pregnancy right now. HALF WAY there to having a baby, going into labor, bringing a sibling into this world for A. It would really help if you recognized that. But no. I'm making RE appointments, worrying that something is really wrong, I'm getting poked and prodded. Humiliated every month that I have to go BACK to my OB for yet another ultrasound to check my ovaries. These ultrasounds are ones where I have to derobe from the waste down so he can stick a probe in my vagina. I have to get this every freaking month and you barely take notice. You sound annoyed when I call you on my way home from the appointment. Just walk in my damn shoes for once. I wish you could feel what I feel. 

I'm just so done. So incredibly done.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Bag of Emotions

I'm feeling a lot of things today.

I feel happy. My friend, after many years if trying and an IVF cycle, is pregnant and I am just overjoyed for her. It really makes me insanely happy to hear about her positive pregnancy test. After trying so long and finally reaching that oak, well it's inspirational. It gives me hope, when I've really been sucked dry.

I feel blessed. My daughter, shes amazing. She makes me laugh every single day, she surprises me with something newly learned every single day. She's loving, she knows exactly when mommy needs more loving, she's kind, curious, and she keeps me on my toes. Did I mention she's hilarious?

I feel lucky. I feel so incredibly lucky to have my husband. He's amazing, he's caring, and to be honest, he puts up with a lot of crap. He's an amazing father and a perfect husband. We have gone through so much these last almost 7 years. Family issues, moving in together, the start of our marriage, debt, infertility, pregnancy, moving across the state so i can start a new job, child birth, postpartum depression, anxiety attacks, secondary infertility, and soon the journey of fertility testing and treatment. But we have had so many great times. Seeing our daughter walk for the first time, watching her grow, family vacations, and despite all the tough times, our life has been pretty great.

I feel ungrateful. I have all of these things in my life that are amazing. I'm so blessed to have such a perfect family, everybody is healthy, and yet I feel so incomplete. I want another baby so badly, I want to be able to grow our family more and I hate that it is so hard for us. I hate that trying to make a baby consumes my entire life. I hate that it all comes back to this, my inability to have another child, the dark thoughts of hate and jealously. I want so badly to change this, but, I just don't know how. I don't know how to be content with what I have.

I feel scared. We have our consultation on October 3rd. I'm scared to death. I'm scared that they are going to refuse treatment because of my weight. I'm scared of finding out the results of any tests that we might have. I'm scared that they mint indicate that we will never be able to have another child. I'm scared that if we do move to IVF that we will never have the money to afford it. I'm scared of the uncertainties.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Friday, September 9, 2011

A's Daycare Experience

A started daycare over a month ago. So far, she's been doing okay. My husband says she breaks his heart every day though (poor Daddy!). She's still crying when he leaves, but once he does, she settles quickly and loves playing with the other kids. It has helped that we send Eeyore with her.

The picture to the right is her first day going to day care. DH didn't get a great picture, so that's all I have! 

Last week we had a subsitute. I was super nervous about how A would be, but to my surprise, she did EXCELLENT. She even NAPPED. That's right, I said it. She napped. She actually fell asleep on the floor at somebody elses help. AMAZING. She was a totally different kid when I picked her up. Now she always naps for me and my husband, but hasn't at all for her day care. The subsitute must have been working some magic. I just couldn't believe it.

I still hate that I have to leave her with somebody else, but it helps knowing that she's having fun, she gets a ton of interaction, and they get to do fun things like crafts. I just love the art projects! The woman we have watching her (she runs an in home day care) is wonderful. She's super sweet and I know that she's taking good care of my daughter. It also helps that she was a former teacher!

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Another cycle, again

How I feel on a daily basis. I put on that fake smile and all I really want to do, is break down and cry.
Well AF came a day late, I expected as much. So we're onto our third clomid cycle. On Friday I will be making an appointment with a Reproductive Endocrinologist. I think they will do another series of tests and hopefully we'll have some answers.

Not only am I not pregnant this cycle, but I had one of the worse periods I've ever had. Not in terms of bleeding, but pain. I had to call into work because of it. I could hardly move and I was in tears. I can't do anything that involves my pelvic region. Including sitting straight on a chair or something as simple as peeing.  I hate calling in because of something as common as your menses! The pain was about an 8 of 10 with pain meds and a heating pad all day. From talking to my friends, I think I may have PCOS and what I am experiencing are rupturing cysts. Which fill up my abdomen with fluid. That causes irritation and pain and makes my entire pelvic area tender. It sucks and it hurts.

Lately my world has been consumed with surprise pregnancy announcements and it hurts. I wish I could so easily become pregnant. It breaks my heart. I don't understand why those not trying and not wanting a pregnancy get pregnant and those that do, can't. It just isn't fair.

I'm so nervous about going to the RE. I'm scared about what they will say about my weight (and yes, I know I mentioned this in my last post, but it's a very real fear. I'm terrified!). As each cycle passes I notice that my husband is getting more and more down about it too. I know he's hurting and I know that he's staying strong for me. I feel like such a failure of a woman because I can't give him more children. I don't understand why it's so fucking hard.