Thursday, September 15, 2011

Another Pregnancy...

Just not one of my own.

Don't get me wrong. I'm extremely happy for this friend. She has tried for so long and so hard. I wish her nothing but the best and I pray hard that this pregnancy is her take home baby.

But gesh. I don't think I can take another positive pregnancy test. I just can't. I feel like I'm going to fucking explode. I'm so, so jealous. I'm bursting into freaking tears at a drop of a hat and I'm so freaking angry. I'm tired of my husband telling me, well, hopefully this cycle... How many fucking times can you say that. Every cycle he says that and every cycle ends in failure. How can a person have so much hope, so much false hope that maybe by some grace of God that I'll get pregnant *this* time, when all the other times failed.

I'm so tired of this. Why can't I get my baby for free. Why do I have to work so damn hard? Why is it that drug addicts, abusers, and people who don't WANT kids can have them so easily. What in the world have I done to deserve this? Why is God punishing me? Am I that bad of a mother that I don't deserve another? Am I so uncaring, unloving, or unaffectionate? Seriously.

Dear Husband, I know you're hurting too. But for f's sake, please come up with something better to say. I'm sorry, well maybe next time, I hope you are, and so forth are NOT good responses to me when I'm like this. I'm devastated. I'm so freaking devastated and I'm sad and angry and I'm so many different emotions right now that I can't even sort through them. Then add guilt on top of that because who would feel this way when I'm so incredibly blessed to have my daughter. And what makes it worse, is that I should be just over half way through my pregnancy right now. HALF WAY there to having a baby, going into labor, bringing a sibling into this world for A. It would really help if you recognized that. But no. I'm making RE appointments, worrying that something is really wrong, I'm getting poked and prodded. Humiliated every month that I have to go BACK to my OB for yet another ultrasound to check my ovaries. These ultrasounds are ones where I have to derobe from the waste down so he can stick a probe in my vagina. I have to get this every freaking month and you barely take notice. You sound annoyed when I call you on my way home from the appointment. Just walk in my damn shoes for once. I wish you could feel what I feel. 

I'm just so done. So incredibly done.


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