Thursday, March 24, 2011

Orthopedic and therapy session

The arrows point to the bulging C5 and C6
Today I went back to the orthopedic office to review my MRI. The report indicated that I have two bulging disks on the c5 and c6 vertebra. She said that it wasn't anything too bad. We talked about how the physical therapy was going and that I didn't feel it was helping. She suggested going to the chiropractor. I'm sure that will take up most of April. But I hope it helps.

While I was there, I figured I would mention the pain in my knees and wrists that have been ongoing for several years. The knees since I was a teenager and my wrists since, I think, 2008. Back then the doctor I was seeing said that it was tendinitis, but because I as TTC at the time, we didn't want to do treatment.

Luckily, the doctor allowed me to set up a new patient account then and there so the appointment could be billed under my health insurance. After all the paper work and co-payment, I got x rays of both wrists and knees. The doctor came in shortly after to review the films.

My hands and wrists looked clear.

My knees however, have arthritis. I don't remember the specific kind she said, but she said it more severe in the right knee. Which is the one I have more severe pain in.

Great, I have arthritis at my mid 20 age. Fucking fantastic!!!

Treatment plan is as follows:

Wrists - after her exam, she felt that not only do I have tendinitis, but that I also have some type of nerve damage. It could be something like pinching. I get a burning sensation from my wrists to my elbow as well as skin itching. I have to call tomorrow to set up an appointment with the neurologist to get an EMG/NCV BIL. What ever the heck that is. I'll look it up later and update.

After the neurological exam, I am to set up an appointment with them again to discuss further treatment. In the mean time, she sent me off with two cortisone patches on my right wrists and some anti-inflammatory topical cream.

Knees - as soon as I get approval from my insurance company, I am going to start joint fluid replacement therapy. Which basically means, I'll be getting shots directly into the knees to replenish the fluid that has been lost and to preserve what cartilage I have left. The shorts may or may not work long term. At best 6 months to 2 years. Any relief will be welcomed. Maybe with out the pain, I'll be more apt to get out and exercise!

Neck - chiropractic treatment.

After this is sorted, I'll tackle my ankles, back, and take a look at my tmj again. I sound like such a hypochondriac!!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

I just don't know

I feel like my body is so broken. Everything hurts and I'm just so SO tired. My wrists hurt, bad. I'm talking I can't even wash my hair with out being in pain bad. The skin itches, my wrist and arm burn when I try to accomplish anything. This sucks. It seems like all of my joints hurt. I've got to get on the glucosamine soon. We have it. It is sitting on the counter, but I've yet to take it :-/. I will today.

My knees are also progressively getting worse. The right one hurts especially bad. It hurts to push, to get up, to walk.. yesterday I was rubbing it and my entire knee cap jumped what felt like a hill and then got 'stuck.' I had to push it the other way. I wasn't even rubbing my knee hard and I wasn't trying to move it. It just did. Who knows what the hell that means.

While I know I need to get to the doctor. I'm scared about what they'll find. I know the lack of sleep can be why I'm tired, but if I slept 8 hours a night, I'd still feel like this. It's 3 in the afternoon and I can't even hold my eyes open. My joints hurt, so fucking bad. What if it's arthritis? What am I supposed to do with that at my age? I'm not OLD. I'm young. I'm not even thirty. What mid 20 year old has arthritis. Isn't that an old person's disease? What if I need surgery? What if it's so bad that there just isn't anything they can do.

What if there isn't actually anything wrong with me at all? Then what?

Damnit, I just want my body to work. I want it to ovulate on time, I want to get pregnant within the average time frame, I don't want migraines, TMJ, joint pain, whiplash, or the fatigue. I'd like to wake up every morning refreshed and not achy. That way I don't have to put a smile on my face and pretend.

Monday, March 21, 2011

Why my child is STILL rear facing...

and will continue to be until she reaches all max limits on her car seat (even then, if there is a better seat out there with higher limits, I would consider switching).

Plain and simple, I don't want THIS to happen to my baby...

The audio isn't the greatest, but the story that this grandfather tells of his grandson hits home.

It's not a matter of convenience, looks, or even what *I* think is comfortable. The bottom line is that rear facing is SAFEST.

As you know I was in a car accident on 2/11/2011. I was rear ended by a young lady going way to fast while exiting a shopping plaza. How fast could she be going, you ask? Well, I dont' know, but fast enough to do 5,300 dollars worth of damage to my car. Again, we were stopped exiting a SHOPPING plaza, a place where the mph is never more than 20 mph or so. That's a lot more damage than a mere fender bender. Not only was my bumper damaged, but so was my rear lights, my trunk, the frame of my car, the side panel, and my rear window was shattered.

Just incase you don't remember the picture, here it is:

I thank GOD, that A was not harmed. She didn't have a single piece of glass on her. She was scared. She screamed bloody murder because she watched the glass explode, she felt the impact. But it was nothing that hugs from mommy and daddy couldn't heal. It could have been a lot worse.

All the hugs and kisses from mommy and daddy would not have healed a spinal injury, paralysis, or death. The fact is, A could have had a spinal injury, she could have had surgery, she could have been paralized, she could have DIED. I could be the mother to a dead child right now. Extreme, maybe? Reality? Absolutly. It could happen. That's the point, don't we, every day, do things to avoid things that COULD happen. We use condoms and birth control to avoid pregnancy, it doesn't happen 100% of the time, more like 25% (and less for others), but we do something to protect against it anyways, because it COULD happen. We buckle our seat belts (not only by law) but because we COULD get into an accident. We go over safety information and buckle our belts in an airplane because of what COULD happen. We don't wear open toed shoes to factories and we wear helmets to constructon sites, not because it will happen, but because it might. I just don't understand why parents put their convenience over the safety of their child. There just isn't a good reason.

I left that accident minimally injured, but I was still injured. Since the accident, I've had a CT scan, X-Ray, and an MRI, 2 orthopedic appointments, AND 4 weeks of going 2 times a week of physical therapy. I am NOT getting better. I still hurt. My migraines are more intense, my neck hurts 24/7. It feels like it has to pop 24 hours a day and when I rotate it or turn my head from side to side, I hear grinding. This accident, which occurred at the exit of a shopping plaza has caused plenty of damage. It could have been worse, a car could have been coming down that turn lane she pushed me into, but one thing that didn't happen? A wasn't hurt because she was rear facing. I wish I was rear facing! Though I couldn't imagine driving backwards.

I cannot control when an accident happens, but I can control how my baby and myself are protected in an accident. I wear a seat belt and she rear faces. I would rather have people make fun of me, make snide comments, and have my baby bend her knees (which isn't uncomfortable for them at this age) than the alternative. What's more inconvient, having to rear face a larger child or caring for a child who's injured from being forward facing in an accident and is now paralyzed?

This video is in a different language, but they say a picture (in this case video) is worth a 1000 words.

This of course is a front end collision, but the transfer of energy is basically the same. Which would you want for your child?

Don't care? Still convinced that forward facing is better? More convient? Your baby is too big?

Research shows that the risk of small children being killed or seriously injured is five times higher for those sitting in forward facing seats than for those in rear facing seats. New data demonstrates that in a side impact crash (the most deadly type of collision) rear facing kids are 4 times safer than those riding forward facing.

Forward facing children are FIVE times more likely to be killed or seriously injured, KILLED or SERIOUSLY INJURED. Hell, people cut their child's penis (circumcision) for a percentage less than that for fear of a UTI. Rear facing is less expensive and does no harm to the child. Why wouldn't you want to do it?

Visit that site, there is A LOT of information there. Inform yourself.

I stole these from the above site (she's a pediatrician by the way). These are questions and comments I get all the time

I turned my child because...

"His/Her legs were touching the back of the seat".. or "They are too cramped up, she's uncomfortable..."

Well actually...

Many parents and even some pediatricians mistakenly think that a child should turn forward-facing when her legs touch the back of the vehicle seat, thinking that this leg position is uncomfortable and/or unsafe. This is untrue. In our experience installing 15,000 car seats, we've seen hundreds of children over the age of 1 riding rear-facing. Many of them are very verbal 2 and 3 year-olds and none have complained of their legs hurting. While your 2-year-old may look cramped riding rear-facing – as they sit with their legs crossed or in the “frog-legged” position – rest assured that they are both safe and comfortable.

Have you ever watched a 5 year old sleep in the car with their chin on their chest? Kids are much more flexible than adults and can sit and sleep comfortably in positions that would make an adult very uncomfortable.

Simply put, there are ZERO documented cases of rear-facing children breaking their legs, hips, feet, etc., due to their feet touching the back of the vehicle seat. However, since it looks plausible, this rumor persists. Studies show that forward-facing kids are actually more likely to have leg injuries.

Unfortunately there are too many documented cases of head and spinal cord injuries due to children riding forward-facing too soon. Modern medicine can easily fix a broken leg, but not a broken neck.

I turned my child because...

"He/She is a big baby. She's in the 90th percentile, she's too tall and I turned her early because she outgrew her seat... "

Well, fact is, buy a bigger seat. Does your child NOT wear pants because the ones you own are currently too small? No, your baby grows and you get him/her more pants. There are plenty of convertible car seats with larger height/weight restrictions that ARE affordable. Plus, a YOUNGER, not smaller, YOUNGER baby is fragile. Their bones are NOT strong, they will get hurt, despite their stronger appearance.

A 95th percentile baby may look stronger than his 5th percentile friend, but in a crash the bigger baby is likely MORE at risk if he's riding forward-facing. The rigidity of bones and the stregth of ligaments in the spine is likely the same in children of the same age, no matter their size. And a 95th percentile baby likely has a much larger, heavier head, which will pull forward which much more force than that of a 5th percentile child.

I turned my child because...

"He/She screams because she's facing backwards..."

Actually, they probably aren't screaming because they are facing the back of the seat. They are probably screaming because they are entering toddler-hood and they just don't want to be in the car seat. Your job as a parent is not to please your child or to put their WANTS over their SAFETY.They are safer rear facing. Entertain them by giving extra toys, keep them happy with a snack and drink. Play games with them, sing songs, play music, I think there are even devices that hook to the head rest so they can watch a video (not that I promote car TV watching, but hey, it's an option).

My baby is unhappy being rear-facing!
Rear-facing does not have to be boring! Older kids can ride quite upright so they can see out the side and rear windows. If there is a head rest blocking your child's view out the back window, you can usually remove it. By 9-12 months your baby knows you're there when you talk to them from the front - even though they can't see you. So you can calm and entertain your child with songs, stories - and for older children games of "I spy" - all while they are rear-facing. Concerned about car sickness? Volvo looked at several thousand pre-schoolers and found the same rates of motion sickness in those riding rear-facing as those riding forward-facing. Regardless of the direction your child rides, placing them in the center seat with an unobstructed view out the front/back window will help keep the nausea away.
Not to mention, the American Academy of Pediatrics have changed their recommendations to rear facing until at LEAST 2 years of age:

Bottom line:

I rear face my child because it is safer. Because I've been there, I've been in an accident where injuries could have been far worse. I rear face becasue I want my child to be safe, I don't care if it is harder to put her in the car seat, I don't care if her legs are bent, I DON'T care if she is bored. I care about her safety.

You could not and will not, ever, be able to give me a GOOD reason to forward face my 15 month old daughter. Plain and simple.

I pray to God that we are never in a car accident again, but the "what ifs" and "just incase," are enough for me.

Think about it, inform yourself, and do what's best for your child.

Saturday, March 19, 2011

So I've been thinking...

I've had a lot of emotions these past few days and because of that I've been having major mood swings and just a sense of irritation. I'm really not sure why and I want to get to the bottom of it. I'm not a happy go lucky person anyways, but these morbid thoughts are consuming.

This week I was sitting at a red light and as I was watching my rearview mirror sone ass comes up on me way to quick, my heart starts racing and my mind starts turning like crazy. What do I think? Try worse case scenario times three.

My mind automatically goes to what if he hits me, what if he hits me hard enough to push me into oncoming traffic, what if when he does that the semi hits me, then I'm pinned in my car, and the fire rescue team comes. What if I'm so stuck that when they move me out I'd likely die so they call J and A to say goodbye. What will they say, what will I say? How will my family act, what will they say too...

Well you get the point. It's not just with traffic, it's with a ton if other things (like J or A having something horrible happen to them). This is a major part of my ppd. Though, I know I was like this before pregnancy, just not as bad. I hate it, it doesn't make me feel good. I mentioned this to my therapist, so we'll see where that takes me.

I NEED to change my thought process. I WANT to be able to see things in a more positive light.

I think the lack of sleep and time to myself is wearing on me. I'm tired, so so tired. Averaging 4 1/2 hours of sleep blows. A hasn't been going o sleep until well past midnight, she's teething, and is just a beast. So since she's up I have zero time alone, no time to unwind, or to have on second of peace and quiet, such is parent life, huh? Well I can guarantee it's not the same. Most children I know go to bed around 8, maybe 9, and then the parents get some time together. If said baby is a monster at bed, most parents have each other to switch off. Now, I know I'm not a single parent (God bless them, they are amazing), but because of our schedules, when I get home from work I move into that ingle patent role when J goes to work.

I feel bad for A when I'm at the end of my rope and I'm less than caring when she's whining. I wish I had the patience of my day time self. Tonight we are trying a new trick with dd, we called daddy so he could say goodnight. This was at 10:40, so we'll see if she stays asleep. I hope so!

I love my husband, more than I could ever express. He's so patient and understand during all of my struggles. I know that I doubt him sometimes, but I don't think id ever find another man that would be willing to put up with my shit or would would treat me so well. He really is my best friend and I am just so lucky to have him.

This picture here is a painting I did on my husbands card for our third anniversary.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Friday, March 18, 2011

Logo for work

I hate to brag (okay, not really), but I'm pretty happy with the way this turned out. Everything was created by me, I'm really proud of my apple!

I'd like to thank my iPad stylus and ArtStudio for their tools.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Another attack

Well I had an axiety attack on the way to work today *sigh*. I was doing great. A little iffy about it being dark out, but I was doing okay. Then at a red light, some guy wasn't paying attention and came up on me SOOOO fast. It literally was out of no where. I looked at my clock then in my rear mirror and I just see him coming. I jumped out of my seat and my heart instantly started racing. Que all other signs of an axiety attack.

I did manage to use the deep breaths to help me calm down. It worked and it never did go full blown. I thought I was going to need to pull over to regain myself.

I just wish people would pay attention.

In other news. I had a great day with A yesterday. She really amazes me every single day. Yesterday she surprised me with two new signs that she has learned, "hot" and "cold." I've never practiced those with her and she knows them! My baby can communicate and it's the coolest thing I've ever witnessed. She also now dances and turns herself into a teapot when I sing, "I'm a little teapot..."

I'm off to Physical Therapy in a few. My neck is hurting pretty bad today. Actually, it has ALL fucking weekend. The therapist I saw on Friday really messed something up. She was way to rough. I told her what she was doing hurt and she just kept on. Next time I'm going to have to get up and leave. I suffered all weekend with what felt like a stiff neck. You know that feeling when you sleep wrong and your neck hurts the next morning? It's like that, but on both sides. I know for me it's usually on one side or the other. I've also had a headache on and off since Friday. Before I think it was because of my cycle but this one I think is from whatever adjusting she decided to try and do.

Monday, March 14, 2011

Another Monday

Today one of my best friends is giving birth. She's being induced so I hope it all goes well for her. I'm anxious to know how it is going. Seems she has forgotten me in the updates. I'll admit, it hurts, but I guess not everybody can text while in labor. I don't see it as a big deal.

Yesterday, I had a great time with my friend M and her son Z. We went to a park that I've never been too and then we went to go see her horse. I think the kids had a great time. They seem to really get along with each other. It is amazing to watch them interact. A was pretty good yesterday, except towards the end of the day. I know her first molars are coming in a d that her teeth hurt, plus she didn't get a good nap. Great for us though! She went to bed before 10 and slept all night long, not a peep. She must have been really tired *laugh*. I had to go in and wake her.

It was so nice getting out of the house. I needed it. I'm really looking forwarded to extended daylight. I love being able to walk after I get home from work. I love having the sun on my skin and being out in the fresh air. I'm hoping we can try to walk tonight, though, we do have to go grocery shopping.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Sunday, March 13, 2011

iPad stylus

I got a stylus for my iPad. Im loving the sketch and painting tools!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Day of appointments

I had my first therapist appointment today. The lady was totally wonderful. She didn't pry to much and she left me with some coping mechanisms to get me through the driving anxiety. I felt really comfortable with her and the questions she was asking me. We also talked a little about TTC and I learned that it took her 14 months to conceive her first. Finally, I have a person in real life that understands. We also share a birthday. I have only met one other person that was born the same day. I feel really good about going back.

I also went to my orthopedic appointment. I told the doctor that my neck does still hurt, and while it isn't emergent or excruciating, it does hurt. It constantly feels like it needs to pop or crack and when I rotate my head I can hear grinding. I have to get an MRI next week and then the following week I have yet another appointment. I'm so glad that she didn't blow me off.

On a side note, she loves my anniversary ring that I wear in my right hand. J got it for me on our first Christmas. We had a nice chat about our others and marriage.

After all that, we went to finally pick up my car. All the damage had been repaired, $5337 dollars. Or close, I don't remember what it said on the sheet. We had to pay $500 of that for our deductible. The auto shop even washed and detailed my car! It smells and feels like new!! The work they did on the rear end looks amazing and you cannot even tell I had to get parts replaced.



Lastly we returned the rental. We were worried about how much the taxes were going to be and then the cost of the extra day. GEICO took care of everything, E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G. We got our entire security deposit back. I cannot praise GEICO enough, they really have taken care of us.

We enjoyed a yummy dinner at Applebees to celebrate this all coming to a close (we actually didn't feel like cooking!) hang my car fixed and the rental returned is a huge weight lifted. Now we just need to get all this medical stuff taken care of. I'm so ready for this to be over and for my work and life schedules to not be so screwed up.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

First thearpist meeting.

It went well. I'm so glad it went well. I think this is going to new a good thing.

I'll talk more about it when I can, getting ready to dive home and then to my ortho appointment.

New layout

I'm tired. A will not go to sleep. She is running around playing with a controller, I mean she is literally running around the house. I would really just like to go to bed. I could take her with me, but she'll just play in the room and won't go to sleep.

With my time though, I have been using the iPad to draw some graphics for a new layout. I'm pretty excited about it. Here is a sneak peek. I also enabled my blog for mobile viewing. I know not many read this, but maybe someday someone will, maybe one day, what I write here will encourage a fellow mother to seek help during the storms.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

I'm not sure what to say

I've been coming to blogger back and forth for over a week now. I get ideas for posts I can make but I always seem to change my mind and not post anything at all. I guess nothing has really changed and how many times can you really write about the same things and how you're feeling. It gets redundant, and who really wants to read that anyways?

Last week was filled with mood swings and disappointment and we've now officially moved on to month 7 of TTC. By the time we actually "have a chance" I'll be just days away from month 8. It's all rather frustrating and no matter how hard I try to "not think about it" I just can't manage not too. I get so sick of my friends telling me, "well everybody is different," "It will happen, remember how it worked out last time?" "Just relax." Oh how I hate that one, just relax... seriously? How can I? When I cannot conceive with 8 months of on time intercourse how can NOT relaxing and missing the window help? Annoying.

I'm so ready for a break, but I just feel like I have one more bad thing coming our way. It always comes in waves of three.

Lately I've been suffering with migraines. They seem to be more frequent when I'm on my period. Hormonal triggers I'm sure. These though, are in my temple, behind my eyes, and they wrap around to the base of my neck. Its not pleasant. I'm going to mention this to the PT today and then probably to the ortho on Thursday. I'm not sure if it's related or not, it probably isn't, but I"m going to mention it anyways. I also need to remember to mention that my neck always feels like it needs to pop and when I move it just right, it does. I'm wondering if I can get referred out to a chiro. I think it would do me some good. I need to get this FMLA paperwork in and I have to finish filling out my loss wages paper and get it back to the autorney, I just feel so overwhelmed with it all right now. I'm nto sure why. I'm just not motivated to do anything.

I start therapy on Thursday and I'm hoping it does me some good. I hope they don't suggest to keep a "Positivity" journal. I've tried it. I can't keep up with it, I'm not motivated to try and do it, I don't want to do it, and besides, when I would do it, at bed time, I'm usually too exhausted to write anything down. I'm usually having to bring A to bed with me, writing in a little journal isn't something I think about doing. I'm starting to get anxious about going, I'm afraid of having the same experience as last time. I don't know what they want to say and I KNOW I'll just end up being a crying mess, I hate that. Crying in front of a complete stranger. Not something I'm fond of. That's probably a main reason I don't want to go. I don't want to be reduced down to tears every single time I go. I find it much more efficient to bury those emotions and then not think about them so I don't burst into tears every single time I think about anything.

Speaking of tears, I couldn't even make it through PT on Thursday because I was just too upset. Work told me that in order for "us" to keep our work from home days, I needed to make myself more available. Meaning, I needed to have my work phone forwarded to my cell, no big deal, though I don't like that I have to do that since they aren't paying my cell phone bill, and that I needed to find somebody to watch A in a pinch.

I looked at sitters, but the ream thought of leaving her with somebody other than myself, J, or my mom literally tears my heart out. I just can't. I can't think about it. I can't plan it. I just cannot do it. Not only are they expensive for our budget (which apparently shouldn't matter, because good quality care HAS to be expensive *eye roll*, I know it is important, which is why nobody else watches her, but when your budget doesn't allow it, your budget doesn't allow it. I wish other mothers who are blessed with well paying jobs for both themselves and their spouses would understand that. I can't make more money appear and it's not like we're out spending money on a bunch of useless things. We never eat out, we don't go places, and we don't ever buy anything new. So when I question prices of care it's because I HAVE to.)

I managed to calm myself down before walking into the building, eyes were still red and watery, I manged checking in, I managed to fill out my FMLA paperwork and gave that to them, but the MOMENT, my PT asked me how I was doing, because she saw my red eyes, I literally burst into tears. I couldn't be comprehended. They told me to go home, don't worry about not goign today, they'll take me off the book so i'm not charged, and that they hope everything is okay.

I feel stupid. SO stupid, for crying over something like child care. I mean, I'm not even putting her IN child care, I just need to find a back up, "in case" I need them. That alone caused me to have some huge mental break down.

I called the solver to all my problems, my mother. She should seriously be a super hero. She told me that she would, with out question, come down in a moments notice, as much as she can by train, and watch A when I needed her too. So if I do end up loosing my work from home day, I'd pay a mere 54 dollars a week to have my mom come down on a Sunday, watch A on Monday, and leave on a Tuesday. I could not be more blessed. My mom is AWESOME. A would be in hands that I trust and I wouldn't have to worry one bit.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Having a rough day.

I'll start out with my weekend was wonderful. We went to the beach for a couple hours and then at a Cuban restaurant in the area. It was so nice to be able to get outside and enjoy the South Florida sun. It was a beautiful day and A seemed to have enjoyed herself. Not a single whine the entire time we were there. She lounged around with us, read books, played in the sand, and enjoyed her lunch. I tried taking her down to the water, but she didn't want anything to do with that. When the cold ocean water hit her feet she burst into tears. Maybe next time.

Sunday, I lounged around the house. It was nice taking time away from driving my car. I managed to not have any attacks this weekend. Mostly because J drove and I just watched my phone or played on the ipad. As long as I'm distracted and NOT watching traffic. I seem to do okay.

Monday was uneventful day as my work from home day. A has been getting into everything, but I managed to make it to the store to get the rest of our groceries.

Tuesday's drive to work was okay. I ended up taking an Xanax before going because I'm about 99.5% sure I'm not pregnant. The drive there and back was okay, mostly because I think I missed traffic. The PT went okay. It's pretty boring but I think it's doing good for my neck. I need to mention that it feels like it needs to pop most of the time. I don't know what she can do about that though. By the time I got home, I was exhausted and in desperate need of nap! I'm just not getting enough sleep and then with the impending start of a new cycle, my body is just drained.

I woke up this morning to my temperature plummeting down to 97.39. For those of you that don't chart. This is a very bad sign and a definite sign that AF is on her way. I'm feeling pretty down today and it's taking everything I have to not bust into to tears. It's been 7 months now. Seven months of failed cycles. J and I are so ready for this to happen. I guess I could be thankful that I wasn't pregnant during the accident and that I'm not pregnant during my anxiety attacks. But, you know, this yearning in my heart is SO strong. I want another baby. I want to relive that newborn stage again, I want another chance at breastfeeding, and I want to see A growing up with a sibling. My heart is completely filled with love for A, but I feel like I still have some holes missing. My family is just not complete yet.

I feel just devestated. I just hoped that it wouldn't take us as long to concieve the second time around, after all, "my body knew what to do now." Maybe I'm not supposed to have another child or maybe I'm not ready. I don't know. It's just so hard to not be upset, frustrated, and angry. I would like for one time in my life, for things to just go the way I want them too. Every single time I get something on the right path, something rams into it to throw it off course.

I wish I was one of those woman who got pregnant on birth control, have sex just once, or can concieve the first time they don't use any form of protection.