Tuesday, March 8, 2011

I'm not sure what to say

I've been coming to blogger back and forth for over a week now. I get ideas for posts I can make but I always seem to change my mind and not post anything at all. I guess nothing has really changed and how many times can you really write about the same things and how you're feeling. It gets redundant, and who really wants to read that anyways?

Last week was filled with mood swings and disappointment and we've now officially moved on to month 7 of TTC. By the time we actually "have a chance" I'll be just days away from month 8. It's all rather frustrating and no matter how hard I try to "not think about it" I just can't manage not too. I get so sick of my friends telling me, "well everybody is different," "It will happen, remember how it worked out last time?" "Just relax." Oh how I hate that one, just relax... seriously? How can I? When I cannot conceive with 8 months of on time intercourse how can NOT relaxing and missing the window help? Annoying.

I'm so ready for a break, but I just feel like I have one more bad thing coming our way. It always comes in waves of three.

Lately I've been suffering with migraines. They seem to be more frequent when I'm on my period. Hormonal triggers I'm sure. These though, are in my temple, behind my eyes, and they wrap around to the base of my neck. Its not pleasant. I'm going to mention this to the PT today and then probably to the ortho on Thursday. I'm not sure if it's related or not, it probably isn't, but I"m going to mention it anyways. I also need to remember to mention that my neck always feels like it needs to pop and when I move it just right, it does. I'm wondering if I can get referred out to a chiro. I think it would do me some good. I need to get this FMLA paperwork in and I have to finish filling out my loss wages paper and get it back to the autorney, I just feel so overwhelmed with it all right now. I'm nto sure why. I'm just not motivated to do anything.

I start therapy on Thursday and I'm hoping it does me some good. I hope they don't suggest to keep a "Positivity" journal. I've tried it. I can't keep up with it, I'm not motivated to try and do it, I don't want to do it, and besides, when I would do it, at bed time, I'm usually too exhausted to write anything down. I'm usually having to bring A to bed with me, writing in a little journal isn't something I think about doing. I'm starting to get anxious about going, I'm afraid of having the same experience as last time. I don't know what they want to say and I KNOW I'll just end up being a crying mess, I hate that. Crying in front of a complete stranger. Not something I'm fond of. That's probably a main reason I don't want to go. I don't want to be reduced down to tears every single time I go. I find it much more efficient to bury those emotions and then not think about them so I don't burst into tears every single time I think about anything.

Speaking of tears, I couldn't even make it through PT on Thursday because I was just too upset. Work told me that in order for "us" to keep our work from home days, I needed to make myself more available. Meaning, I needed to have my work phone forwarded to my cell, no big deal, though I don't like that I have to do that since they aren't paying my cell phone bill, and that I needed to find somebody to watch A in a pinch.

I looked at sitters, but the ream thought of leaving her with somebody other than myself, J, or my mom literally tears my heart out. I just can't. I can't think about it. I can't plan it. I just cannot do it. Not only are they expensive for our budget (which apparently shouldn't matter, because good quality care HAS to be expensive *eye roll*, I know it is important, which is why nobody else watches her, but when your budget doesn't allow it, your budget doesn't allow it. I wish other mothers who are blessed with well paying jobs for both themselves and their spouses would understand that. I can't make more money appear and it's not like we're out spending money on a bunch of useless things. We never eat out, we don't go places, and we don't ever buy anything new. So when I question prices of care it's because I HAVE to.)

I managed to calm myself down before walking into the building, eyes were still red and watery, I manged checking in, I managed to fill out my FMLA paperwork and gave that to them, but the MOMENT, my PT asked me how I was doing, because she saw my red eyes, I literally burst into tears. I couldn't be comprehended. They told me to go home, don't worry about not goign today, they'll take me off the book so i'm not charged, and that they hope everything is okay.

I feel stupid. SO stupid, for crying over something like child care. I mean, I'm not even putting her IN child care, I just need to find a back up, "in case" I need them. That alone caused me to have some huge mental break down.

I called the solver to all my problems, my mother. She should seriously be a super hero. She told me that she would, with out question, come down in a moments notice, as much as she can by train, and watch A when I needed her too. So if I do end up loosing my work from home day, I'd pay a mere 54 dollars a week to have my mom come down on a Sunday, watch A on Monday, and leave on a Tuesday. I could not be more blessed. My mom is AWESOME. A would be in hands that I trust and I wouldn't have to worry one bit.


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