Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Having a rough day.

I'll start out with my weekend was wonderful. We went to the beach for a couple hours and then at a Cuban restaurant in the area. It was so nice to be able to get outside and enjoy the South Florida sun. It was a beautiful day and A seemed to have enjoyed herself. Not a single whine the entire time we were there. She lounged around with us, read books, played in the sand, and enjoyed her lunch. I tried taking her down to the water, but she didn't want anything to do with that. When the cold ocean water hit her feet she burst into tears. Maybe next time.

Sunday, I lounged around the house. It was nice taking time away from driving my car. I managed to not have any attacks this weekend. Mostly because J drove and I just watched my phone or played on the ipad. As long as I'm distracted and NOT watching traffic. I seem to do okay.

Monday was uneventful day as my work from home day. A has been getting into everything, but I managed to make it to the store to get the rest of our groceries.

Tuesday's drive to work was okay. I ended up taking an Xanax before going because I'm about 99.5% sure I'm not pregnant. The drive there and back was okay, mostly because I think I missed traffic. The PT went okay. It's pretty boring but I think it's doing good for my neck. I need to mention that it feels like it needs to pop most of the time. I don't know what she can do about that though. By the time I got home, I was exhausted and in desperate need of nap! I'm just not getting enough sleep and then with the impending start of a new cycle, my body is just drained.

I woke up this morning to my temperature plummeting down to 97.39. For those of you that don't chart. This is a very bad sign and a definite sign that AF is on her way. I'm feeling pretty down today and it's taking everything I have to not bust into to tears. It's been 7 months now. Seven months of failed cycles. J and I are so ready for this to happen. I guess I could be thankful that I wasn't pregnant during the accident and that I'm not pregnant during my anxiety attacks. But, you know, this yearning in my heart is SO strong. I want another baby. I want to relive that newborn stage again, I want another chance at breastfeeding, and I want to see A growing up with a sibling. My heart is completely filled with love for A, but I feel like I still have some holes missing. My family is just not complete yet.

I feel just devestated. I just hoped that it wouldn't take us as long to concieve the second time around, after all, "my body knew what to do now." Maybe I'm not supposed to have another child or maybe I'm not ready. I don't know. It's just so hard to not be upset, frustrated, and angry. I would like for one time in my life, for things to just go the way I want them too. Every single time I get something on the right path, something rams into it to throw it off course.

I wish I was one of those woman who got pregnant on birth control, have sex just once, or can concieve the first time they don't use any form of protection.

1 comment:

  1. ((HUGS)) I wish things would happen more quickly and easily. I'm sorry hun. Hopefully your turn is coming soon!