Friday, February 25, 2011

First day of Xanax

I took my first pill this morning. It obviously does not kick in the minute you swallow it. I felt my chest tighten up the moment I open my eyes this morning. The drive in was OK. I used a diversion technique when I felt the anxiety increasing. For most of the way there, I was playing the "letter game," you know the one, you start with A and name a certain number of words that start with that letter.

It worked, for the most part. I also felt the xanax kick in. One moment I had a tight chest and the next the next moment it was gone. Until, a guy driving a small red sports car came speeding up behind me, he was quick, must have been doing 70 mph in a 45. He waved in and out of traffic, tailgating every person he got behind.

The "Letter Game," did not work for that. Insert anxiety attack and tears. Again.

I'm so sick of this. I want to be able to drive to work with out worrying about breaking down and falling to pieces every time I get in my car.

I checked on public transportation, it was a REAL option. J said that since we weren't going to have to pay for gas, paying for transportation would be okay. So I spent this morning pulling routes and schedules for the bus and train system in my area.

Well wouldn't you know it, NONE of the schedules will work. Not a single one. Not the bus>train>bus>work schedule, not the bus>bus>bus>work schedule, and not the bus>train>bus>work then work>bus>bus>bus>home schedule. I hope that makes since! Nothing will work, so that means, I'm stuck driving to work and having anxiety attacks the entire way, great.

I have an appointment with a counselor in about two weeks. We'll see how that goes and I hope they give me more coping mechanisms. I'm also waiting for my primary doctor to call me back with recommendations for a psychiatrists.

I hope the drive home is better. Maybe since the xanax is in my system, it will be better. I hate that I even took the pill though. I know it might help, but I hate the potential side effects if I were to get pregnant. Testing (if I make it) will be March 2, 5 more days. I'm praying for an end to my second TTC journey. It's heart-renching.

I guess some people would find it unwise for me to be TTC right now, especially with the accident and now the ups and downs of my mental health. My primary suggested this to me because she couldn't "find" a anti-anxiety medications that were listed as a category "B" drug. But in my heart, I can't just not try. It takes us months and months to get pregnant (we're on 6.5 months now, it took 10 months for A), while I know that is not NEARLY as long as it takes others or those fighting infertility. It still sucks and I feel bad for complaining. But, what if I choose to stop and get on birth control and THAT was the month where the stars were to align and I would fall pregnant. I just can't live with the what ifs.

We're finally better financially (thanks J!) and our marriage is in a good place, not that it was ever in a bad place, but DH is more understanding, and he's trying SO HARD to do good for me while I manage PPD and now this anxiety. He's trying and I give him credit for that. We both want this so bad.


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