Wednesday, March 23, 2011

I just don't know

I feel like my body is so broken. Everything hurts and I'm just so SO tired. My wrists hurt, bad. I'm talking I can't even wash my hair with out being in pain bad. The skin itches, my wrist and arm burn when I try to accomplish anything. This sucks. It seems like all of my joints hurt. I've got to get on the glucosamine soon. We have it. It is sitting on the counter, but I've yet to take it :-/. I will today.

My knees are also progressively getting worse. The right one hurts especially bad. It hurts to push, to get up, to walk.. yesterday I was rubbing it and my entire knee cap jumped what felt like a hill and then got 'stuck.' I had to push it the other way. I wasn't even rubbing my knee hard and I wasn't trying to move it. It just did. Who knows what the hell that means.

While I know I need to get to the doctor. I'm scared about what they'll find. I know the lack of sleep can be why I'm tired, but if I slept 8 hours a night, I'd still feel like this. It's 3 in the afternoon and I can't even hold my eyes open. My joints hurt, so fucking bad. What if it's arthritis? What am I supposed to do with that at my age? I'm not OLD. I'm young. I'm not even thirty. What mid 20 year old has arthritis. Isn't that an old person's disease? What if I need surgery? What if it's so bad that there just isn't anything they can do.

What if there isn't actually anything wrong with me at all? Then what?

Damnit, I just want my body to work. I want it to ovulate on time, I want to get pregnant within the average time frame, I don't want migraines, TMJ, joint pain, whiplash, or the fatigue. I'd like to wake up every morning refreshed and not achy. That way I don't have to put a smile on my face and pretend.


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