Friday, February 25, 2011

First day of Xanax

I took my first pill this morning. It obviously does not kick in the minute you swallow it. I felt my chest tighten up the moment I open my eyes this morning. The drive in was OK. I used a diversion technique when I felt the anxiety increasing. For most of the way there, I was playing the "letter game," you know the one, you start with A and name a certain number of words that start with that letter.

It worked, for the most part. I also felt the xanax kick in. One moment I had a tight chest and the next the next moment it was gone. Until, a guy driving a small red sports car came speeding up behind me, he was quick, must have been doing 70 mph in a 45. He waved in and out of traffic, tailgating every person he got behind.

The "Letter Game," did not work for that. Insert anxiety attack and tears. Again.

I'm so sick of this. I want to be able to drive to work with out worrying about breaking down and falling to pieces every time I get in my car.

I checked on public transportation, it was a REAL option. J said that since we weren't going to have to pay for gas, paying for transportation would be okay. So I spent this morning pulling routes and schedules for the bus and train system in my area.

Well wouldn't you know it, NONE of the schedules will work. Not a single one. Not the bus>train>bus>work schedule, not the bus>bus>bus>work schedule, and not the bus>train>bus>work then work>bus>bus>bus>home schedule. I hope that makes since! Nothing will work, so that means, I'm stuck driving to work and having anxiety attacks the entire way, great.

I have an appointment with a counselor in about two weeks. We'll see how that goes and I hope they give me more coping mechanisms. I'm also waiting for my primary doctor to call me back with recommendations for a psychiatrists.

I hope the drive home is better. Maybe since the xanax is in my system, it will be better. I hate that I even took the pill though. I know it might help, but I hate the potential side effects if I were to get pregnant. Testing (if I make it) will be March 2, 5 more days. I'm praying for an end to my second TTC journey. It's heart-renching.

I guess some people would find it unwise for me to be TTC right now, especially with the accident and now the ups and downs of my mental health. My primary suggested this to me because she couldn't "find" a anti-anxiety medications that were listed as a category "B" drug. But in my heart, I can't just not try. It takes us months and months to get pregnant (we're on 6.5 months now, it took 10 months for A), while I know that is not NEARLY as long as it takes others or those fighting infertility. It still sucks and I feel bad for complaining. But, what if I choose to stop and get on birth control and THAT was the month where the stars were to align and I would fall pregnant. I just can't live with the what ifs.

We're finally better financially (thanks J!) and our marriage is in a good place, not that it was ever in a bad place, but DH is more understanding, and he's trying SO HARD to do good for me while I manage PPD and now this anxiety. He's trying and I give him credit for that. We both want this so bad.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Physical therapy

It took 2 full hours. Overall there isn't any horrible damage, but I do have very tight muscles from the accident. The lady was unable to move any of my vertebras in my neck or lower back. She wants me back twice a week for four weeks.

I'm going to miss a lot of work!

Treatment wise, it's massage, neck stretches, and then electrodes put on my neck while laying on a heating pad. It hurt, the massage, I felt all the knots she was trying to work out. I'm sore and I'm sure I'll be sore tomorrow, but after it's all done, I should have my flexibility back.

Once this is all said and done, I think I'm going to concentrate on getting other parts of my body fixed, like my hands, wrists, and knees. I feel so broken, not being able to get pregnant is icing on the cake!

I had dh drive me to therapy, I played on my phone the entire time and that helped. Too bad I can't do that when I'm driving myself, if only that girl followed that rule, I wouldn't have to deal with any of this. We did go to the mall afterwards, dh needed some new running shoes, and, of course, some old biddy almost hit us as she was backing out of here parking spot. Its not like we were flying down the lane and came out of know where, we were defiantly only going maybe 5 or 10mph, we were looking for a place to park. My entire body flew up out of the seat trying to get away from where the site of impact would be. Next came the shortness of breath, flushed face, chest tightness......

I cant wait until all of this is over with. I hate living like this. It's like I'm at the edge of my seat watching the scariest movie you can think of. That feeling, I feel that most of the day.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Physician visit

What a waste.

I emailed my boss last night to let her know I wasn't coming in. I have my PT today anyways. I needed to get to the doctor to get something to help. I felt bad enough to immediately call the doctor, typically, I wait and see.

The drive there was okay. I was tense the entire time. But I managed to get there. After waiting 10 or 15 minutes I get called back. After explaining why I'm here one of the nurses take my blood pressure, it was 140/80 with a pulse rate of 112. It was high. My normal blood pressure is usually 110/70.

So I talk to the nurse practitioner and basically, because I'm TTC there isn't anything she can give me safely. She tells me that I should probably go to my ob and she reffered me to a therapist (which I asked for) and also a psychologist for meds. So that's where I'm at. I left with nothing but paper, which doesn't help the way I feel. She told me I should try and avoid my triggers, which is hard to do because I have to go to work and dh can't take me. He just can't, with our schedule and when he gets home at night, it just wouldn't be a good idea, not to mention my trigger is the traffic around us, it doesn't matter if I'm driving or not. I may look into taking the train. We have a tri-rail system, down here. But I'm not sure on the cost and things like that. I will be looking into it.

I had another attack on the way home from the doctors, the people just don't pay attention and the slam on their breaks, ugh, it just freaks me out. I got the same feelings as before and again I was in tears.

I'm debating taking the Xanax I have. I know the risks, but I also know that the embryo doesn't connect to my blood supply right away.

Dh agreed to drive me to PT so I'm off to go to that now. Luckily, it's right around the corner.

Btw, I did talk to dh last night, he apologized, and he explained that he's just at a loss on what to d and how to help me. So he's frustrated that he can't do something. He's trying though and I love him so much. He's a really great husband.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Today is a day from hell.

On the way to work today I had one of the biggest anxiety/panic attacks I've ever had. Caused by some asshole tailgating me while we were driving 55 mph. I couldn't even see his headlights. I instantly got that neverous feeling inside my stomach, my entire body tensed up, I felt my checks go flush, and my chest tighen. It was bad. Moments later I felt nauseous and the tears came.

I managed to make it to work and getting out of the car didn't help. I spent the entire day in my office "working" while having this nervous/panic type feeling and nausea.

It's time to go home, the ride started off a little tense. But the car in front of me decided to slam on its breaks, which meant I had to too. The attack was worse than the one this morning. I called DH in tears explaining how I felt. Which was all of the above X's about 3. I'm in tears. He mentions going to the doctor blah blah.

I make it home, not with out gripping the stearing wheel until my knuckles turned white and a lot of tears. Dinner wasn't made, which was okay, I told J I would cook. He boils the water for me and sticks the chicken in the microwave to defrost. I'm in the kitchen and I asked him if he got the baby more yogurt, he said no. So reluctantly, I say, "Well I guess I'll go to Publix."
"Can you get milk too?"
"sure, I guess."

So I decide to finally start preparing the chicken and the filling for the shells, I'm handling the baby on one hip as I'm staring in to our pretty barren fridge. Umm, we don't have ricotta.

At this point, I"m so tired and I'm so hungry. J mentions just going to the store now to get it. Umm, I don't want to go right now. I JUST got out of the car and I'm just now recovering from these stupid anxiety/panic attacks. I do not want to go right now and I'm hungry. He gets so angry with me (or as he calls it the "situation). So not only do I have to deal with my own issues that I'm trying to overcome but now I have to deal with those feelings that come with my spouse beingi upset with me. I seriously cannot take any more. I can't. So now I'm in tears, I'm hypervenilating, the baby is screaming, I feel like I'm going to vomit all over the living room.

And what does he do?

He has the fucking nerve to tell me that this is "hard for him!" Like it's not hard for me, like for some fucking reason feeling like this and feeling myself fall apart is easy. Right now, in this moment, I need his support. I need somebody to tell me it will be okay, I need somebody to help me find a solution and a way to work through this, RIGHT NOW. Don't tell me to go to the doctor right now, because I can't. I can't get to the doctor RIGHT NOW. I need you to help me in this moment and telling me shit and getting angry at me for being upset and not wanting to go back in the fucking car does not help. Stomping through the house, slaming the door as you head to the garage and not kissing me good bye is not helping me. I've spent the last hour just crying. Hyperventlating, gagging, and crying until my eyes cannot produce any more tears. My eyes are swollen and red. My chest hurts, my face is flushed, and I'm here by myself with a moody toddler who just wants to whine and scream.

That's a big fuck me. I'm not sure how I'm going to make it through this night. I'm ready to go to bed and not wake up.

Friday, February 18, 2011

My first orthopedic appointment

Yesterday I had may first appointment about my neck. They took x-rays and I met with the doctor. He told me that I have no soft tissue swelling but there was something going on with a few of my vertebras. I'm not sure exactly what he said, I wish I could replay it. Before leaving, he out two tens units on my neck to help with the stiffness. I got a prescription for a new anti inflammatory and a script for 4 weeks of physical therapy.

I start that next Thursday.

All in all, it was an okay appointment. I know that my issues aren't extreme or even bad but I'm glad they didn't blow me off. I have no idea what to expect at the PT appointments, maybe they will help work out some other kinks that my body has.

I really want to try acupuncture.

J also went to the auto body shop yesterday to sign the papers so they can get started working on the car. I'm interested to know the extent of the damage.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

My New Boba

I just checked the shipping status of my new carrier,, and it should be here today! Mine is in the "Mist" color.  I'm beyond excited. I cannot wait to try it out. I know I'm going to be unable to carry A for a while, but once I'm healed, it's going to come in handy. I can't wait to wear her again. I really do miss it. The ring sling I had was fabulous when she was younger, and weighed less!, but now that she's approching 20 pounds, she's getting a bit heavy for me. The ring sling doesn't dispert the weight evenly enough.

Tomorrow is my appointment with the Orthopedic to evaluate my neck. I'm really hoping that it's just some muscle strain and that it will just get better.

I'll update later with a picture!

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Met with an attorney

Today I met with an investigator about the accident. No I didn't go to the law firm with intentions to sue, thats not the type of person I am. I went solely with the intentions of protecting my family against any wrong doing by the insurance companies. I have to say, after the meeting I felt really good about my decision to call, he assured me that they were just going to make sure that the companies do what they are supposed to do. It makes me feel better that I'm not going at this on my own and that I have somebody legally on my side. They are also going to try and make sure that I get reimbursed for any expenses that I incur due to the accident, such as medical bills, co pays, milage and gas, and any other out of pocket expenses,

My neck is still bothering me. It cracks and grinds when I do rotation stretches on it, I'm also still having pain down the middle of my back and weakness in my limbs. Simple tasks seem to wear me out. Things like chasing after my daughter, cooking dinner, or washing a dish... Yes just one. I'm going to the orthopedic on Thursday to make sure that there isn't anything major wrong and hopefully then I'll have some type of treatment plan that will probably include visits to a chiropractor.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Sunday, February 13, 2011

So frustrated

My neck and back are still hurting from the car accident on Friday. It feels like my neck is stiff and the pain goes down into my shoulders and through the middle of my back. I still have full motion, but it feels like its grinding when I move it.

I hate that I didn't get to go home for my brothers birthday, I hate that I couldn't see my family, and I hate that I didn't get to see some of my mother friends.

It's frustrating that some young punk girl caused all of this and I had no control over it. All because she was probably looking at her phone texting one of her friends, checking Facebook,or doing some other type of random activity that took her eyes off of the road. She didn't even try to slow down, in heard no squealing tires, nothing. The impact can be seen on my car. Why the hell was she going that fast in a parking lot in the first place.

I've contacted an attorney, this is all new to me and I'm unsure if what I'm doing is the right thing, but I don't want to be stuck with the medical bills from this, when I didn't cause it. She did. I want what my car would have been worth had I not gotten into an accident.

My husband isn't being all that supportive, I think its mostly because he doesn't know what exactly we should be doing. I know he doesn't want us to get screwed over, I do understand that, but I on the same hand, don't want to be stuck with a mess of bills that we cant pay.

The accident has raised my anxiety levels while I'm in the car. I have a prescription for Xanax, though, I'm not sure if i really want to take it yet. I feel myself slipping back Into having the nightmares and "visions" of what ifs and horrid situations, its a sucky place to be.

I suppose I need to step out of the gym until further notice and until I get an okay from a doctor. I'm calling one tomorrow to set up an appointment. I hope i don't have to pay anything out of pocket.

Uggg, I hate this.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad.

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Car accident

It was all going great. We slept in and we got up and ready to leave. DH got his car started and the fix a flat in so we could go to the tire place and get all of them replaced. I followed him over just in case they blew out on the way there.

I wasn't going to follow him all the way there, but it was raining and I thought that he might want one of the two umbrellas that we had in my car since I was heading up to central fl for my bros birthday and the np meet up. So I followed him all the way there, gave him the umbrella and said goodbye, again.

As I was leaving I Got on the phone with my mom to just let her know that we we're on our way. I always call because it's a 4 hour drive and we just do that in case something happens. Well, as I was pulling out of the shopping plaza, I stopped because of the passing traffic, I was at a complete stop, leaning forward to watch for an opening. I was giving my mom last minute details and all of a sudden WHAM

I got hit. My head slammed back so hard on the seat. I screamed and told my mom I had to go.

I sped out of the car, said not so nice words to the girl that hit me and grabbed the baby out of the car, who was screaming bloody murder. She appeared unhurt and there wasnt any glass on her. The girl that hit us (she's 19) burst in to tears when she saw the baby and just kept apologizing, I was not receptive.

Thankfully, by the grace of God, there happened to be the PB fire rescue already there. The fire truck got there quickly and the police followed after. We only waited, maybe 30 minutes. I refused treatment, I thought I was okay. Addison was acting absolutely normal.

The police officer got a statement from us and then the witness. No doubt she was at fault.

We pulled our cars out of the road and into the parking lot, the same parking lot Jonathan was in to get his tires fixed. The officer got both of our information for the police report and dh started the round of calls to our car insurance. The other drivers got a ticket and appeared to have gotten scolded by the officer. The girls parents arrived and asked if we were all okay. I didn't want to talk to them either.

After we got the police report we waited for the tow truck and as we started moving my stuff from my car to dh's car, the insurance adjuster showed up. She was wonderful, a mother to a 3 month old. She told us that if we went to get the car seat right now and gave her the recipt that she would give us a check. Great! Dh went to get that and instantly when he returned we had a check in hand. One thing down!

Our insurance company set up our rental and our insurance adjuster fought her way to the top of the rental agency to make sure we got a car within our coverage limit. At first they only had a van for 40 a day when our policy only covered 30. Until my car gets fixed, I'm now driving a ford fusion

We have a deductible of 500 which we need to pay, but the damage is estimated at 5400 dollars and our policy covered the car seat and the rental.

The adjuster mentioned that she's kid enough to be forward facing, I said no way, it may be easier, but there is NO way I am turning her around until she is at least two, especially after today. No way, no how. Then I went on about how much safer it is, blah blah blah.

I did end up going to the ER. My neck and back hurt pretty bad. They took a cat scan and it was negative, the doctor in the ER diagnosed it as neck sprain and the paper told me I need to follow up with an orthopedic surgeon on or before feb 14, so i'll be taking care of that next week. I left with motrin, a muscle relaxer, and a narcotic. They said that I can expect to feel worse tomorrow.

The girl hit me h.a.r.d. We were in a shopping plaza on a road where you pull out to the main road. I wasn't on a street, not stopes at a light, she had no reason to be going as fast as she was. She could have killed us. I didn't even hear the tires squeak, it was a complete surprise

Sunday, February 6, 2011

Frustrated with my provider

My doctor's appointment on Friday did not go as well as planned. Of course, my appointment was at 3:15 on a Friday afternoon. Surely, what could I expect coming in so late? I mean, don't I know they've been working all day and that they are ready for the weekend?

I felt rushed. I hate feeling rushed. I want my concerns to be taken seriously. I know that the weekend is a blink away. But I'm paying you and I have concerns, so please, please, just listen.

My concerns about TMJ got completely blown off. Because that's "dental." Umm, I know it's dental, but it's also medical, it's one of those things that fall into that grey area. I also mentioned other joint pains that I'm having because, I'm thinking, that maybe it's all connected. Connected by, I don't know, arthritis? Simple blood test really. Doesn't matter though, it wasn't offered, suggested, or mentioned.

I told her about the problems I've been having with my knee. The fact that I was just standing. JUST STANDING, as in, not moving, and my knee popped out of place. I heard the click, I almost fell, and now it's been hurting for a month. I can't use my left leg to get up. I can't crawl on the floor with my daughter, hell, I can't put any weight on it at all. What does she tell me, oh put some ice on it. And wear a brace. Really? You don't think I did more damage than that?

Asked me how I'm doing on the wellbutrin. I said, find. I'm not taking the xanax. Okay, that's good. It's a situational medication anyways. I'll go ahead and send in the script, see you back in 2 months.

Okay, but what about this migraine that I've had for 6 days? I explain my history with them, my triggers, and I mention again, that this one is triggered by the CONSTANT jaw pain I'm experiencing. She prescribes me treximet. Apparently it also has an anti-inflammatory, which will help with my jaw *eye roll.*

As I leave, I ask her if there is anything I could do for my joints, because they all hurt. They are stiff when I wake up. Did I mention that they hurt??? She tells me that the prescription for my migraines will help with that. I told her that I couldn't take that every day. "Well, no, but take an inflammatory." Ugg, okay, thanks.

I'm so frustrated. I just need a physician who wants to help make me feel better. Sure I know my weight has something to do with my joints. I know this. I'm working on it. But, damn it, at least be willing to help me.

So all in all, I'm no better off than where i was before that appointment.

Next step, I'm calling an oral surgeon who is covered both by my health care and my dental. Maybe through them, I can get somewhere. I just hope they are experienced with TMJ.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

I'm so sick of the pain

In all of it's forms.

Today, I'm most sick of the pain caused by my TMJ. I feel as if my joint is grinding away every single time I move it. It feels sickening. It clicks, pops (sometimes very loudly), and grinds. It feels like my bones are rubbing together. I feel a pain deep in my ear and it radiates across my face. It causes me to have migraines. I've had an on/off migraine for FIVE days now. I've gone through 8 doses of Excedrin Migraine, about 4 or 5 doses of Ibuprofen, and I know at least a few doses of Tylenol. Nothing is helping the pain.

I'm so frustrated. I hate living with a condition that falls within a grey area. Medical won't cover it because it's Dental and Dental won't cover it because it's Medical. I don't understand how a joint within my body, a very well used joint, just isn't covered. HOW CAN IT NOT BE COVERED?

My joint is disintegrating more and more each day and yet it isn't covered. If it were any other joint in my body then they would not even question providing coverage.

But yet, because it's not covered, I either have to find the money out of pocket, about 1500, to get a procedure done to give me some relief. I don't have that. So instead, I can rack up medical bills (which are covered) that will provide treatment but not "fix" the problem. I can go to the chiropractor, get a ton of pain medication scripts, hell, I'll keep going to my primary too. Maybe even a specialist for PT. That should rack up way more money than 1500 to the insurance company.

Tomorrow I'm going to my primary to discuss my med change, it's just a follow up appointment and while I'm there, I'm mentioning this. I have already and I went through a battery of tests, including an MRI and an extensive visit with the ENT. Not conclusive... other than, "You have TMJ, go visit this guy (who is amazing) but not covered by insurance..." Yeah, thanks guy. I wonder if I have a form of arthritis, not just because of the pain in my jaw, but also my knees, fingers, wrists, neck, and ankles. I'll mention it.

I'm beyond frustrated and this isn't good for my state of mind