Monday, June 20, 2011

Right now

this is me
I feel incredibly defeated. I am sad. I'm angry. I feel like my life is so broken. I've not gotten over the miscarriage and as AF approaches, those feelings come out of hiding. There are days where I feel okay, where I feel less like a failure, but when I'm facing the start of a new cycle, once again, those feeling come flooding back. I have a feeling my husband finds this incredibly annoying. Like I should be "over this already." Maybe he doesn't and maybe I should give him more credit.

Right now I should be just over 9 weeks. I should have already seen and heard the baby on an ultrasound. I should be sick with morning sickness, fighting pregnancy migraines, and I should be so incredibly happy.

But, here I am. I am none of those things right now. I hate TTC. I hate it so much. I hate that a year is coming up. I hate that my next step is having to take clomid. Doesn't that officially mark me as infertile? I don't want to be infertile, I don't want to have to go through this. Why can't I be blessed enough to have children when I want them. Why can I not get pregnant by just sleeping by my husband, buy thinking about being pregnant? I wish I was as fertile as all those unfit teen parents. I'm doing everything "right," I'm married, I eat healthy, drink lots of water, I don't drink alcohol, I don't smoke, I don't get high or do drugs, and most of all, I WANT another baby.

Fuck. This isn't fair.

I need to get away. I want to go on a lovely weekend holiday up in the mountains. I want to get away from where I am in this moment. I don't want to be 'here'.

Maybe, by the grace of God, this is all one cruel joke and AF will never come. But, I imagine I'll be putting in a call to the OB on Tuesday to get my prescriptions.


  1. Oh sweetie I'm so sorry. :( I've BTDT with the infertility crap and it is SO HARD. (((hugs))) love you girl.