I lost a child today

Taken May 12, 6:30 am.

My baby may not have been old enough to have a heartbeat, I will never get to see him on an ultrasound, hear his heartbeat, feel the kicks, and I won't get morning sickness, migraines, or the aches and pains. But, I lost my baby today, I lost hopes and dreams.

I am sick with heartache, I'm devastated, and numb.

My tests have been positive for over a week, I got my first on May 12, 2012. They were defiantly positive, pink, clear lines, "pregnant" on the digital, there is no doubt. But, in testing, I noticed that the lines never got darker. They stayed just the same.

On Monday, I started to bleed. I completely broke down, sitting there on the toilet as I stared the clot on the tissue, I felt so broken. So incredibly broken. The bleeding picked up, but by night, it had tapered off. In called my OB on Monday and explained the bleeding, but they weren't very concerned. Because bleeding in early pregnancy can be normal. But, when I mentioned that the lines on the tests weren't progressing and seemed light, she ordered me for a blood draw. I got that done on Tuesday.

Last night I was woken up around 3:30 am with severe cramping and when I got up to go to the bathroom, there was a gush of blood. I don't know if it was from pooling since I was sleeping or if I passed a clot. Either way, it was a lot of blood.

I called the ob today and told them about the additional bleeding. I also found out my hCG level was 18. Officially pregnant, but it's low and I was told I was probably really early or I was miscarrying. I have another blood draw to confirm, but we can all be sure of the outcome. We need to make sure the numbers are going down.

The cramps are intense and the bleeding is coming and going. At times it is heavy and at others it is light and spotty. I really just wish it would end. I hate having some symptoms of pregnancy knowing that I know longer have a baby growing inside if me.

Flowers from a friend and the last positive test.

Emotionally, I'm not doing so great. I'm going up and down and as long as I do other things that don't allow me to think about what is happening, I'm okay. But the moment I have a moment to myself and to think, its instant tears. I feel like a huge failure. We've tried and tried for nine months and then we are so happy to finally get pregnant, only to have it ripped away from us. I just don't have words, and I hate every part if this.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

I'm so sick of the pain

In all of it's forms.

Today, I'm most sick of the pain caused by my TMJ. I feel as if my joint is grinding away every single time I move it. It feels sickening. It clicks, pops (sometimes very loudly), and grinds. It feels like my bones are rubbing together. I feel a pain deep in my ear and it radiates across my face. It causes me to have migraines. I've had an on/off migraine for FIVE days now. I've gone through 8 doses of Excedrin Migraine, about 4 or 5 doses of Ibuprofen, and I know at least a few doses of Tylenol. Nothing is helping the pain.

I'm so frustrated. I hate living with a condition that falls within a grey area. Medical won't cover it because it's Dental and Dental won't cover it because it's Medical. I don't understand how a joint within my body, a very well used joint, just isn't covered. HOW CAN IT NOT BE COVERED?

My joint is disintegrating more and more each day and yet it isn't covered. If it were any other joint in my body then they would not even question providing coverage.

But yet, because it's not covered, I either have to find the money out of pocket, about 1500, to get a procedure done to give me some relief. I don't have that. So instead, I can rack up medical bills (which are covered) that will provide treatment but not "fix" the problem. I can go to the chiropractor, get a ton of pain medication scripts, hell, I'll keep going to my primary too. Maybe even a specialist for PT. That should rack up way more money than 1500 to the insurance company.

Tomorrow I'm going to my primary to discuss my med change, it's just a follow up appointment and while I'm there, I'm mentioning this. I have already and I went through a battery of tests, including an MRI and an extensive visit with the ENT. Not conclusive... other than, "You have TMJ, go visit this guy (who is amazing) but not covered by insurance..." Yeah, thanks guy. I wonder if I have a form of arthritis, not just because of the pain in my jaw, but also my knees, fingers, wrists, neck, and ankles. I'll mention it.

I'm beyond frustrated and this isn't good for my state of mind

Remember: Take Meds.

This weekend has been wonderful... for the most part.

Saturday was great! I saw my best friend, she came down for her baby shower. We drove 3 1/2 hours there and 3 1/2 hour back just to see her for 3 hours. But, it was worth it. I haven't seen her for over a year and she had yet to meet A. So finally, after a year on this earth, my best friend has finally met my daughter! It was a good day. I also got to see some old highschool friends. We were missing a few faces, but it was nice to see them too. I cannot believe how old we are all getting.

Sunday was great too! I went to the zoo with A for the first time. We went with a friend of mine and her son who was born just 5 days before A. It was fun to see them interact together. I think they both enjoyed the zoo. The weather was nice, it wasn't too hot, and all the animals were out. We even managed to get cute baby pictures!

I guess Monday doesn't fall into the "weekend" but I'm considering it part of it since it was a day off. Monday started off okay. However, from the moment A woke up to the moment she went to bed, she was nonstop whineing. I'd leave the room she'd scream, pick her up, she'd want down, put her down, she'd want back up. Whine Whine Whine.

But that's not the worse part. I took a pregnancy test last night and it was negative. Again. It's always negative. I feel like my body is a complete failure. I feel like I'm letting my husband down and I feel like my body is broken. Give it, it's not. I've had blood work and ultrasounds and it all comes back NORMAL, perfect even. I had a complete meltdown yesterday. I could not stop crying. I really hope that my ovulation day is just off and that i still have a change. The timing would have been perfect. Our Wedding anniversary is tomorrow and our EDD would have been my Dad's birthday. I think the perfectness of the days is what's really getting to me. It's making me take the hit harder. I need to stop dreaming about what could have been, or what could be, and start concentrating on what I have NOW.

I just know that I want a second child so badly and I hope it happens soon.

I feel like I'm back in that dark place. I forgot to take my meds on Sunday and Monday and I can feel the difference. It sucks. I can't have myself go back there, I can't go back to ignoring my husband and my daughter. I just can't. Because doing so, makes me feel even worse.

I'm sure this post doesn't even make sense! It really is all over the place.

My Journey through PPD

I wanted to go ahead and add this. So I can see where I've come. Be aware, this will be long and it's a time line up to where I am now.

January 7th - I gave birth to a very beautiful baby girl, 8 lbs, 2 oz, after a mear 3 1/2 hours of labor.

It was love at first sight...

Well not exactly. I never did feel that overwhelming love that all of these "perfect" mothers speak of. I was in awe, yes, but love... I don't think so. I didn't believe she was mine. I didn't have that magical connection to this small being that I was now responsible and holding onto in the hospital. Throughout the stay in the hospital I made my hardest attempt at breastfeeding. I didn't know if I could because of the breast surgery I had when I was in my early 20's. I kept asking for help from the LC but she was as much help as a rock. I left the hospital on January 8th uncertain of our breastfeeding relationship.

January 10th - I was at home with the new baby, my husband, dog, and mom. I was breastfeeding. At least, trying too. She would cry and cry and cry when I tried to put her on the breast. All she did was cry. She was starving, dehydrated, and melting away. We had no wet or dirty diapers for more than 24 hours. I'm talking, completely dry. I was scared, worried, and I felt like a huge failure of a mother. She was starving.

I made the devastating (to me) decision to go with my mom to buy formula. I hated walking down that aisle. HATED it. I cried the entire time I was there. I hated that I had to be one of those moms that went down that there to pick up food for her baby. WHY wasn't I able to provide for her? We didn't even have bottles in the house! When I got home, I made her a bottle, closely following the instructions, and gave it to her. The crying stopped. She was happy and full.

I, on the other hand, I was beaten and broken. I couldn't believe I just failed.

January 11th - The baby's first doctor's appointment. I had to admit to the pedi that I wasn't breastfeeding (what a stab to the gut) and as they weighed her, she had lost more than a pound of body weight. Being who I am, I just knew the pedi would think the worse of me, that I gave up to easily and that I, of course, was a huge failure and a bad mom. However, she asked, moved on, and we were done with our appointment.

My milk later came in around the 12th or 13th and for some reason my husband was under the impression that I shouldn't try again and that we couldn't mix breast milk and formula. Me being overstressed, tired, and defeated, I didn't fight with him or argue. This is a decision that I will regret for the rest of my life. It is only now that I have come to terms with it.

At some point J went back to work. I was home, alone, with the baby. The first couple weeks were okay. I enjoyed it. We got plenty of sleep and I just loved spending time with my baby. We got out, went on walks, I was happy. I would have some small outbursts of frustration, but I was OK.

I started back work full time in April. I worked from home Feb - the end of March. The first day was great. It was nice to be around adults. I enjoyed being at work. But that soon was short lived. I can't tell you when it all really began because I'm not sure when it did. There wasn't a switch that turned me from "okay" to "not." I slowly began to not be able to sleep. I started waking up in a panic. I would have nightmares of the baby dieing, of me killing her, or her being stolen by some faceless stranger. Then the visions started. I would be doing household chores, walking in the mall, driving the car... and I would envision myself seriously harming my baby.

What mother thinks these things?

I pushed the thoughts aside and tried to not think much of them. After all, who wants to admit these things? Maybe it's stress? I was also just going through the motions of caring for my baby but not really connecting with her. It's a hard feeling to explain.

Well the nightmares, panic/anxiety attacks, and visions all continued. When I started working, that meant being home alone with the baby while my husband was working. I would have nights where I was SO tired and the baby would NOT stop crying. It was terrifying. I would go into rages of anger because she wouldn't stop. I had a hard time controlling my actions and to be honest, I came very close to shaking my baby. It's heartbreaking to even type that out.

June - I FINALLY recognize that something is wrong. Something isn't normal with my behavior. I'm not feeling happy. I on the verge of tears 24/7. The anger is instantaneous, my brain is "snapping" and I'm "seeing red." I'm having thoughts of hurting my daughter because she won't eat/sleep. I'm fighting with my husband on a daily basis and it's at this point, I realize, that THIS will tear us apart if I don't get help. I'm in a scary situation.

I finally pulled myself together and called my OB to make an appointment and I was finally able to clue my husband into what I was feeling. He recognized something wasn't right, but he wasn't sure what to do. Before my appointment, I found a PPD checklist and going through it I could mark off "Yes" for majority of the symptoms for PPD and also 4 of 7 for PPP (Postpartum psychosis). I also read that I'm at a higher risk level for developing PPD if I have family members with bi-polar or manic depression.

What I notice most up to my doctor's appointment is the amount of panic/anxiety attacks I'm having. Life was overwhelming and I couldn't focus on one thing in order to complete it. I did manage to make it through creating a "list" of my symptoms that I have and things that I was feeling. It's scary getting it out on paper. Also, after many hours of having an email open, I finally sent an email to my doctor to bring up PPD to me, if I didn't myself.

June 11, 2010 - My doctor's appointment. Oh how I dreaded that day. I spent so much time running back and forth to the bathroom because my stomach was upset. I was in a full out anxiety attack. I was nauseous, my face was flushed, my heart was racing. It was horrible.

The actual appointment went well. I had J stay home with the baby. I NEEDED to do this on my own. I spoke with the nurse who took my vitals and asked if an intern could observe the appointment. I politely declined and told her that I needed to speak to him about PPD and I didn't want the intern there.

After undressing and getting ready for my annual exam (killing two birds with one stone here) he asked me if I was just feeling shitty or if what I was feeling was much worse. I let him know that I was feeling pretty bad and that it's been going on for a while. I mentioned the need to cry all the time and that was pretty much all I could get out. The doctor was so gentle and kind. As he continued to check my heart and listen to my lungs he asked me why I didn't call him sooner and that nobody deserves to feel like this for so long. We finished up the annual exam and then went to his office for a chat.

He asked some general type questions and if I had depression in the past and if what I'm feeling the same or worse than what it was when I was younger. I let him know abut the lack of sleep from the nightmares, the anger, and how I was snapping at my husband. I had an entire list of symptoms ready to give him and I never even needed it. I'm thankful for that. My OB is amazing.

That day, I could finally start to see the light. It might have been a pin drop of light, but I saw it. I was prescribed Lexapro.

June 17th - My first (and last) appointment with a physcologist. I really wanted this visit to be a positive one. I was looking forward to having talk therapy to work through my issues. However, that appointment didn't turn out so well. The lady seemed nice enough, but some of the comments she said to me, just didn't sit well.

The biggest one was:

"Well it's probably easier for you to formula feed since your working and everything, it's a lot of work."

Knowing that breastfeeding was the one thing I truly wanted to do. Why would she say this to me?

Needless to say, I never went back.

December 2010 - I'm doing well. The medication helped me come out of the darkness. I had/have less panic and anxiety attacks and I'm able to handle stressful situations better. I have been able to connect with my daughter and not nag my husband so much.

I weaned myself from the medication in September and I've been doing okay. I still notice that I am having anxiety attacks when I'm overally stressed or in the car with my husband (I swear I'm going to have a heart attack every time he drives!). I've done a lot better with voicing to my husband how I'm feeling in the moment so I'm not bottling it up and exploding later. He gets frustrated with me, I wish he wouldn't because I really don't mean to act the way I do sometimes. I do still have a hard time with a crying screaming baby when it's 1 am and I need to go to bed for work. But I'm working on it.

To any other woman who thinks she might have PPD, please speak up. Go to your doctor, talk to your significant other, your best friend, just reach out to somebody and get help. You don't need to suffer. I spent MONTHS suffering quietly to myself and it was horrible (as I'm sure you know). Woman need to be more open about the struggles after birth, especially with PPD. I know many woman who just "dealt with it" and never actually got the help they needed. I pledged to myself to always be open and willing to talk to what I went through, because maybe, JUST maybe, one woman would benefit.