Wednesday, May 18, 2011

I lost a child today

Taken May 12, 6:30 am.

My baby may not have been old enough to have a heartbeat, I will never get to see him on an ultrasound, hear his heartbeat, feel the kicks, and I won't get morning sickness, migraines, or the aches and pains. But, I lost my baby today, I lost hopes and dreams.

I am sick with heartache, I'm devastated, and numb.

My tests have been positive for over a week, I got my first on May 12, 2012. They were defiantly positive, pink, clear lines, "pregnant" on the digital, there is no doubt. But, in testing, I noticed that the lines never got darker. They stayed just the same.

On Monday, I started to bleed. I completely broke down, sitting there on the toilet as I stared the clot on the tissue, I felt so broken. So incredibly broken. The bleeding picked up, but by night, it had tapered off. In called my OB on Monday and explained the bleeding, but they weren't very concerned. Because bleeding in early pregnancy can be normal. But, when I mentioned that the lines on the tests weren't progressing and seemed light, she ordered me for a blood draw. I got that done on Tuesday.

Last night I was woken up around 3:30 am with severe cramping and when I got up to go to the bathroom, there was a gush of blood. I don't know if it was from pooling since I was sleeping or if I passed a clot. Either way, it was a lot of blood.

I called the ob today and told them about the additional bleeding. I also found out my hCG level was 18. Officially pregnant, but it's low and I was told I was probably really early or I was miscarrying. I have another blood draw to confirm, but we can all be sure of the outcome. We need to make sure the numbers are going down.

The cramps are intense and the bleeding is coming and going. At times it is heavy and at others it is light and spotty. I really just wish it would end. I hate having some symptoms of pregnancy knowing that I know longer have a baby growing inside if me.

Flowers from a friend and the last positive test.

Emotionally, I'm not doing so great. I'm going up and down and as long as I do other things that don't allow me to think about what is happening, I'm okay. But the moment I have a moment to myself and to think, its instant tears. I feel like a huge failure. We've tried and tried for nine months and then we are so happy to finally get pregnant, only to have it ripped away from us. I just don't have words, and I hate every part if this.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad


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