Friday, May 20, 2011

Miscarriage is officially "Official"

I called the doctor's office today to ask about my blood work results. After a few minutes of holding and having my stomach in my throat, I got on the phone with my Doctor's nurse. She informed me that my levels have indeed dropped and that they were now at 4. Less than 5 is considered "non-pregnant," so at least all that's over with (now for emotional healing! ugh).

I asked her about TTC again and she told me that Dr. L usually recommends waiting an entire cycle before trying again. I'm not sure if I'm willing to wait an entire cycle, what if this next cycle was my baby for keeps? I was told that I should probably keep the appointment I made for my first prenatal so I can have a follow up with Dr. L to make sure everything is 'gone.' I'm sure going to that appointment is going to have me in a ball of mess with tears flowing liberally. I think I might mention getting a lap for endometriosis again to see what he says, maybe even some additional blood work. I don't want this happening again.

Emotionally I'm still on an up and down roller coaster, I'm sure the falling hormone levels are NOT helping. But I'm also completely consumed with grief and I'm just not sure what to do with myself. I wanted to be pregnant and have another baby, so freaking bad. I can't believe the amount of heartache I'm experiencing. it's unreal and it's horrible. All I can do is cry and take one day at a time. I probably need to find a good book to read.

Family vacation starts next week. I'm beyond excited. Well, I'm trying to be and I was much more excited before the events of this week occurred. But I'm going to try and have a good time anyways. I hope it's enough distraction so i can start to move forward.


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