Friday, May 27, 2011

Feeling pretty empty

We are on or way home. A vacation post will be later.

Just the thought of going back to my home makes me want to vomit. I don't want to be there. I'm already getting upset and silently crying in the car as my husband drives unaware.

It has been nice to just pretend that loosing the pregnancy never happened and that all the bleeding was just af. I wish I could just keep pretending and be in a complete state of denial. But going back to my same environment is bringing back all of those emotions that I haven't yet worked through. I'm so angry and I'm snaping at my husband, I'm yelling, crying, ugh! I wish I could just shrug this off. I wish that I only thought of this early pregnancy as a bunch of cells not really yet developed. But I don't and I hurt so much. I can't help but think of what could have been and all the dreams I had for this second baby. I never knew I wanted this SO bad.

I wish J would show alittle more emotion, I wish I could see him shed one tear for the loss of our child, but he is more of a, "well, we will just have to get back on out next month..." Sometimes I hate his optimism.

I hope I'm wrong and that all my fears stay fears and that God does see me as a fit parent of two (or more). Im reading Hannah's Hope. It is really helping me with through the emotions and hurt of infertility and the miscarriage.

I really need peace and I felt like I was so close... Until this got thrown at me.


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