Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Remember: Take Meds.

This weekend has been wonderful... for the most part.

Saturday was great! I saw my best friend, she came down for her baby shower. We drove 3 1/2 hours there and 3 1/2 hour back just to see her for 3 hours. But, it was worth it. I haven't seen her for over a year and she had yet to meet A. So finally, after a year on this earth, my best friend has finally met my daughter! It was a good day. I also got to see some old highschool friends. We were missing a few faces, but it was nice to see them too. I cannot believe how old we are all getting.

Sunday was great too! I went to the zoo with A for the first time. We went with a friend of mine and her son who was born just 5 days before A. It was fun to see them interact together. I think they both enjoyed the zoo. The weather was nice, it wasn't too hot, and all the animals were out. We even managed to get cute baby pictures!

I guess Monday doesn't fall into the "weekend" but I'm considering it part of it since it was a day off. Monday started off okay. However, from the moment A woke up to the moment she went to bed, she was nonstop whineing. I'd leave the room she'd scream, pick her up, she'd want down, put her down, she'd want back up. Whine Whine Whine.

But that's not the worse part. I took a pregnancy test last night and it was negative. Again. It's always negative. I feel like my body is a complete failure. I feel like I'm letting my husband down and I feel like my body is broken. Give it, it's not. I've had blood work and ultrasounds and it all comes back NORMAL, perfect even. I had a complete meltdown yesterday. I could not stop crying. I really hope that my ovulation day is just off and that i still have a change. The timing would have been perfect. Our Wedding anniversary is tomorrow and our EDD would have been my Dad's birthday. I think the perfectness of the days is what's really getting to me. It's making me take the hit harder. I need to stop dreaming about what could have been, or what could be, and start concentrating on what I have NOW.

I just know that I want a second child so badly and I hope it happens soon.

I feel like I'm back in that dark place. I forgot to take my meds on Sunday and Monday and I can feel the difference. It sucks. I can't have myself go back there, I can't go back to ignoring my husband and my daughter. I just can't. Because doing so, makes me feel even worse.

I'm sure this post doesn't even make sense! It really is all over the place.


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