I managed to make it to work and getting out of the car didn't help. I spent the entire day in my office "working" while having this nervous/panic type feeling and nausea.
It's time to go home, the ride started off a little tense. But the car in front of me decided to slam on its breaks, which meant I had to too. The attack was worse than the one this morning. I called DH in tears explaining how I felt. Which was all of the above X's about 3. I'm in tears. He mentions going to the doctor blah blah.
I make it home, not with out gripping the stearing wheel until my knuckles turned white and a lot of tears. Dinner wasn't made, which was okay, I told J I would cook. He boils the water for me and sticks the chicken in the microwave to defrost. I'm in the kitchen and I asked him if he got the baby more yogurt, he said no. So reluctantly, I say, "Well I guess I'll go to Publix."
"Can you get milk too?"
"sure, I guess."
So I decide to finally start preparing the chicken and the filling for the shells, I'm handling the baby on one hip as I'm staring in to our pretty barren fridge. Umm, we don't have ricotta.
At this point, I"m so tired and I'm so hungry. J mentions just going to the store now to get it. Umm, I don't want to go right now. I JUST got out of the car and I'm just now recovering from these stupid anxiety/panic attacks. I do not want to go right now and I'm hungry. He gets so angry with me (or as he calls it the "situation). So not only do I have to deal with my own issues that I'm trying to overcome but now I have to deal with those feelings that come with my spouse beingi upset with me. I seriously cannot take any more. I can't. So now I'm in tears, I'm hypervenilating, the baby is screaming, I feel like I'm going to vomit all over the living room.
And what does he do?
He has the fucking nerve to tell me that this is "hard for him!" Like it's not hard for me, like for some fucking reason feeling like this and feeling myself fall apart is easy. Right now, in this moment, I need his support. I need somebody to tell me it will be okay, I need somebody to help me find a solution and a way to work through this, RIGHT NOW. Don't tell me to go to the doctor right now, because I can't. I can't get to the doctor RIGHT NOW. I need you to help me in this moment and telling me shit and getting angry at me for being upset and not wanting to go back in the fucking car does not help. Stomping through the house, slaming the door as you head to the garage and not kissing me good bye is not helping me. I've spent the last hour just crying. Hyperventlating, gagging, and crying until my eyes cannot produce any more tears. My eyes are swollen and red. My chest hurts, my face is flushed, and I'm here by myself with a moody toddler who just wants to whine and scream.
That's a big fuck me. I'm not sure how I'm going to make it through this night. I'm ready to go to bed and not wake up.