Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Bag of Emotions

I'm feeling a lot of things today.

I feel happy. My friend, after many years if trying and an IVF cycle, is pregnant and I am just overjoyed for her. It really makes me insanely happy to hear about her positive pregnancy test. After trying so long and finally reaching that oak, well it's inspirational. It gives me hope, when I've really been sucked dry.

I feel blessed. My daughter, shes amazing. She makes me laugh every single day, she surprises me with something newly learned every single day. She's loving, she knows exactly when mommy needs more loving, she's kind, curious, and she keeps me on my toes. Did I mention she's hilarious?

I feel lucky. I feel so incredibly lucky to have my husband. He's amazing, he's caring, and to be honest, he puts up with a lot of crap. He's an amazing father and a perfect husband. We have gone through so much these last almost 7 years. Family issues, moving in together, the start of our marriage, debt, infertility, pregnancy, moving across the state so i can start a new job, child birth, postpartum depression, anxiety attacks, secondary infertility, and soon the journey of fertility testing and treatment. But we have had so many great times. Seeing our daughter walk for the first time, watching her grow, family vacations, and despite all the tough times, our life has been pretty great.

I feel ungrateful. I have all of these things in my life that are amazing. I'm so blessed to have such a perfect family, everybody is healthy, and yet I feel so incomplete. I want another baby so badly, I want to be able to grow our family more and I hate that it is so hard for us. I hate that trying to make a baby consumes my entire life. I hate that it all comes back to this, my inability to have another child, the dark thoughts of hate and jealously. I want so badly to change this, but, I just don't know how. I don't know how to be content with what I have.

I feel scared. We have our consultation on October 3rd. I'm scared to death. I'm scared that they are going to refuse treatment because of my weight. I'm scared of finding out the results of any tests that we might have. I'm scared that they mint indicate that we will never be able to have another child. I'm scared that if we do move to IVF that we will never have the money to afford it. I'm scared of the uncertainties.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad


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