Thursday, September 8, 2011

Another cycle, again

How I feel on a daily basis. I put on that fake smile and all I really want to do, is break down and cry.
Well AF came a day late, I expected as much. So we're onto our third clomid cycle. On Friday I will be making an appointment with a Reproductive Endocrinologist. I think they will do another series of tests and hopefully we'll have some answers.

Not only am I not pregnant this cycle, but I had one of the worse periods I've ever had. Not in terms of bleeding, but pain. I had to call into work because of it. I could hardly move and I was in tears. I can't do anything that involves my pelvic region. Including sitting straight on a chair or something as simple as peeing.  I hate calling in because of something as common as your menses! The pain was about an 8 of 10 with pain meds and a heating pad all day. From talking to my friends, I think I may have PCOS and what I am experiencing are rupturing cysts. Which fill up my abdomen with fluid. That causes irritation and pain and makes my entire pelvic area tender. It sucks and it hurts.

Lately my world has been consumed with surprise pregnancy announcements and it hurts. I wish I could so easily become pregnant. It breaks my heart. I don't understand why those not trying and not wanting a pregnancy get pregnant and those that do, can't. It just isn't fair.

I'm so nervous about going to the RE. I'm scared about what they will say about my weight (and yes, I know I mentioned this in my last post, but it's a very real fear. I'm terrified!). As each cycle passes I notice that my husband is getting more and more down about it too. I know he's hurting and I know that he's staying strong for me. I feel like such a failure of a woman because I can't give him more children. I don't understand why it's so fucking hard.

1 comment:

  1. *hugs* to you Crystal. I thought of you when all of the surprise pregnancies were announced. I am so very sorry.