Monday, May 2, 2011

Some Reflection

While I've not outwardly expressed it, these last couple weeks have been tough. Before my trigger point injections I was in the most pain of my life. Chronic pain is debilitating and while most people don't "see" anything wrong with you, it's tough to get through the day to day doings. I would have rathered stayed in bed and slept.

I was thinking about it as my year "anniversary" of TTC #2 is coming up shortly (3 months) about putting things off in loo of TTC. Like, getting my knees looked at, getting my hands 'fixed', and possibly being on medication to treat the mood disorders. I feel stupid. So, stupid for thinking that if I wait just one more month, I'll be pregnant. I've put off treatment for my hands for YEARS. They have been giving me problems since before I was pregnant with A. I didn't get it taken care of right after A because I knew I wanted to TTC shortly after. Now, a year sits at my doorstep and I"m just beginning treatment. Why didn't I just do it sooner. It would be better by now, it would be over. Never again. NEVER again, will I put off my own health for TTC. I hate that trying to get pregnant consumes SO much of my life. I'm done waiting for something to happen. I'm going to *TRY* and plan my life as it is now, with one child.

I was thinking about things we could do for our 4 year wedding anniversary. Every though ends with, if I'm not pregnant. FUCK that. If I am pregnant, I'm still going to go. As long as I'm not endangering my fetus, who cares what I'm doing. Why should I postpone my life for something that may or may not happen. I hate that I do this.

Right now, I can't bear the thought of congratulating one more woman on their unexpected pregnancy. I don't want to hear about another oops or a surprise, or a "we were only trying one month." On my mothering forum, I can't even bare to look in the "TTC forum." I can't, I don't open it, I ignore the threads. It literally hearts my heart and throws my stomach into knots when I even think about opening yet ANOTHER thread about somebody who was blessed enough to get a positive pregnancy test. I tired of pregnant woman on Facebook complaining about being pregnant. I'm tired of woman blessed with more than one child complaining about having more than one child. Give them to me, I'll take them. My heart feels like it has a hole in it. I am not fulfilled. I know I should be and don't take it that I'm not greatful for what I *DO* have, because I am. Addison is my heart walking outside of my body. She is my everything. I love that girl more than anything I could ever imagine loving. She's my baby. But, I'm still missing something.

I'm so tired of living in this body of anguish and being on the verge of tears 24/7. It feels like PPD all over again. But its different at the same time. Some days, I'm so happy. I feel so content and I wish that feeling would just stay. I love that feeling of being at peace. If I could only keep it. One day maybe.

I've started reading the bible. SHOCKED? Me too. Never once did I think I'd ever open that book, who's first line had me close the book completely, every time. But I'm reading and I want to KEEP reading. There are some things (specifically the events that led to my move to S. FL and the pregnancy of Addison) that I can't question the presence of something more powerful than any man on this earth. I think in this time in my life I'm ready to accept faith. Not only because I NEED it, I need to feel like I'm not living for nothing, but because I want it. I CRAVE it. I feel ashamed not seeking it earlier, ashamed that I've never read the bible. I just feel ashamed and I'm not sure why. So, I don't talk about it. Not to people openly. I do talk to my husband. Thank God he's accepting of me and that he loves me. He's open to my questions. He listens. I would have never given it a chance had it not been for him and his unwavering faith.

I need my heart lifted and filled with something I can't get by myself alone. So, I read and I hope that something will "speak" to me. I have no idea "how to pray." It seems silly to have to ask. But I don't know how. But, I'll keep reading anyways.

I'm reading every book of the bible, from start to finish. I know its long, I know it will take forever to read. But this is how I need to do it. I need to understand the big picture. So far, I'm in Numbers. I'm looking forward to the books I have yet to come. Maybe, one day, I'll get baptized. I loved the symbolism of how my friend C got it done. On Easter, in the ocean. How amazing would that be? One day, that will be me too.


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