Friday, June 24, 2011

How Postpartum Depression Affects my life...

I started off this day wanting to write a post on how my medication was treating me. That I got new clothes and that I sent my rings off to get re-polished and re-dipped. I was going to talk about how my car accident settlement was closed. I wanted to make a good post today. I wanted to be in a good place today, after all, it's Friday.

But today, I had my annual evaluation for my job. And I learned the following:

  1. That I'm not a good team player with the rest of our group in terms of interaction and showing initiative and self motivation. 
  2. I'm not proactive in terms of: communication (letting my supervisor know what I'm working on), independently coming up with ideas for new ways of offering training and support, and researching/recommending new technologies. 
So let me address the first one. I'm not a team player because I don't leave my office to go chit-chat with other coworkers, either about life or about work related things. I'd rather just send an email. I shut my door because I don't want to hear all of the noise and I close my blinds because I don't want to watch the pregnant girl prancing down the hall all giddy and happy. So I'm not a team player because while at work, I have to internalize everything I'm feeling because hell, who wants to talk to a pessimistic mother going through depression.

No self motivation. Of course I don't have self motivation. I'm depressed. I live in a dark dark cave all by myself. I'm sad, I cry, I hate my fucking life, why would I be motivated? I was coming out of the clouds of PPD and then I got into a car accident which sent me into a spiral of anxiety and dark thoughts of dying while I was driving. Not to mention the months upon months of constant 24/7 pain. I finally turned a corner and then I miscarried. I lost the one thing I wanted the most, all while going through infertility. I don't think anybody that's THAT unhappy with their life is motivated. That doesn't even touch the thoughts and feelings about my Grandfather's near passing. My life sucks right now.

She also mentioned that because I don't go out and say hi and chit chat that I'm not giving myself a good perception and "perception becomes reality," apparently I must be looking like a stuck up bitch sitting in my office all day. Does anybody ever stop by and see me and ask ME how I'm doing? Why do I need to go out on a limb if they don't? Most of the woman here are already in a clique, being new, and spending my entire first year on a different floor and out on maternity leave didn't exactly welcome me into the group. 

I never knew HOW much this affected my job. I do my job. I do what's required of me, but I just can't go beyond that because, well, I just can't. I don't want too, I don't have the motivation or the drive too. But, I do, DO my job. I meet with tons of faculty, I conduct training classes, all while putting on a fake smile and being VERY pleasant and delivering excellent customer service. Apparently, that doesn't count though. I constantly get praises from the faculty I work with, because I'm an excellent trainer. I go well beyond my duties to help them with their online courses.

Of course, while she was explaining this all to me, I cried. I always cry. I wish I didn't, but really, I can't help it. Seeing how "real" this all is, it hurts. It hurts to think about why I'm sucking at my job. She mentioned how well I did the first year. In my head I was thinking, of course I was motivated, of course I was more interactive... it was because I was HAPPY. I was pregnant, finally, I was excited about being a mom. I was in a much better head place.

My boss knows I've been dealing with PPD, she knows about the miscarriage, the anxiety, the stuff with my Grandfather. But I don't think she understands that I can't truly just leave it at home. It is so easy to leave work at work. But not so much when it is the other way around. I can't leave my life at home, because no matter WHERE I go, I'm still a mother, a wife, a sister, a daughter, I'm still depressed, I'm still unhappy, it's not a switch I can just turn on and off. It is me.

I reiterated that I am happy with my job, I do really enjoy working with faculty, but *I* am not happy because of my life.

She also suggested not to "bite off more than I can chew," in terms of starting classes for my Masters. I have all the paper work ready, I was only going to take one class this term. I need some type of goal and something to keep my mind off of it all. And school, is bettering myself, it makes ME feel good.

I probably should go back on meds, but I'm scared too. Not because of the way they affect ME, because I have seen the changes, but because I'm afraid of them causing another miscarriage. I got a cortisone injection in my wrist the cycle I fell pregnant and then I miscarried. To be honest, I blame myself for killing my baby. I don't want to do that again.


  1. Oh sweetie please DO NOT blame yourself for your m/c. Those (shitty) things happen and there are no reason for them.

    Honestly I'm pissed at your boss for being so uncaring. What a bitch! Sounds like your boss and my boss should come have a pow wow and be BFF. They'd get along great.

    So sorry you are having a rough time lately. You know I'm here if you ever want to talk about it/vent whatever. Love you girl!

  2. OH no! I just found your blog from blogher. I went through PPD as a teacher and I was Mrs. 'superwomen' before. I had to go through an eval too and it was pretty much the same thing...I was so great last year. UGH.

    I know you don't know me...but having been there... it sounds like you know it will be better. It is so getting tougher first though.

    Get it out...and get some rest over the weekend. You need to rest and try to focus on one thing that makes you smile.