But today, I had my annual evaluation for my job. And I learned the following:
- That I'm not a good team player with the rest of our group in terms of interaction and showing initiative and self motivation.
- I'm not proactive in terms of: communication (letting my supervisor know what I'm working on), independently coming up with ideas for new ways of offering training and support, and researching/recommending new technologies.
No self motivation. Of course I don't have self motivation. I'm depressed. I live in a dark dark cave all by myself. I'm sad, I cry, I hate my fucking life, why would I be motivated? I was coming out of the clouds of PPD and then I got into a car accident which sent me into a spiral of anxiety and dark thoughts of dying while I was driving. Not to mention the months upon months of constant 24/7 pain. I finally turned a corner and then I miscarried. I lost the one thing I wanted the most, all while going through infertility. I don't think anybody that's THAT unhappy with their life is motivated. That doesn't even touch the thoughts and feelings about my Grandfather's near passing. My life sucks right now.
She also mentioned that because I don't go out and say hi and chit chat that I'm not giving myself a good perception and "perception becomes reality," apparently I must be looking like a stuck up bitch sitting in my office all day. Does anybody ever stop by and see me and ask ME how I'm doing? Why do I need to go out on a limb if they don't? Most of the woman here are already in a clique, being new, and spending my entire first year on a different floor and out on maternity leave didn't exactly welcome me into the group.
I never knew HOW much this affected my job. I do my job. I do what's required of me, but I just can't go beyond that because, well, I just can't. I don't want too, I don't have the motivation or the drive too. But, I do, DO my job. I meet with tons of faculty, I conduct training classes, all while putting on a fake smile and being VERY pleasant and delivering excellent customer service. Apparently, that doesn't count though. I constantly get praises from the faculty I work with, because I'm an excellent trainer. I go well beyond my duties to help them with their online courses.
Of course, while she was explaining this all to me, I cried. I always cry. I wish I didn't, but really, I can't help it. Seeing how "real" this all is, it hurts. It hurts to think about why I'm sucking at my job. She mentioned how well I did the first year. In my head I was thinking, of course I was motivated, of course I was more interactive... it was because I was HAPPY. I was pregnant, finally, I was excited about being a mom. I was in a much better head place.
My boss knows I've been dealing with PPD, she knows about the miscarriage, the anxiety, the stuff with my Grandfather. But I don't think she understands that I can't truly just leave it at home. It is so easy to leave work at work. But not so much when it is the other way around. I can't leave my life at home, because no matter WHERE I go, I'm still a mother, a wife, a sister, a daughter, I'm still depressed, I'm still unhappy, it's not a switch I can just turn on and off. It is me.
I reiterated that I am happy with my job, I do really enjoy working with faculty, but *I* am not happy because of my life.
She also suggested not to "bite off more than I can chew," in terms of starting classes for my Masters. I have all the paper work ready, I was only going to take one class this term. I need some type of goal and something to keep my mind off of it all. And school, is bettering myself, it makes ME feel good.
I probably should go back on meds, but I'm scared too. Not because of the way they affect ME, because I have seen the changes, but because I'm afraid of them causing another miscarriage. I got a cortisone injection in my wrist the cycle I fell pregnant and then I miscarried. To be honest, I blame myself for killing my baby. I don't want to do that again.