Friday, June 3, 2011

I will not keep silent

Therefore I will not keep silent;
I will speak out in the anguish of my spirit,
I will complain in the bitterness of my soul.
JOB 7:11

I have been reading Hannah's Hope since the miscarriage. I downloaded it before I found out I was pregnant because I have really been struggling with self pity, anger, jealously, bitterness, and envy. I really wasn't in a good place. I didn't buy it until I miscarried and in a world of despair and grief. This book has helped me realize many things and most of all it is helping me learn and work through all of these feelings. It is helping me in my path to find God and to learn about his teachings and His word.

Religion has always been a sore spot because I'm I'll informed about it all. I have NEVER been an atheist. I believe in aspects of science. I believe in the rules of evolution. I believe that sone higher power, God, had to create this all. While I still struggle with this idea, I equally struggled with the idea of nothing becoming something in science as well.

Through all of the trials of my life, I do believe that they have made me stronger and I personally believe I saw the hands of God touch my life in 2009 when I got offered a new job, moved, and got pregnant. EVERYTHING worked out in a matter if months. It was perfect. Those events got me thinking as my faith then was not even a piece of dust floating in the air. But through my eyes, I saw my entire life change in an instant. Change for the good and it was out of my hands.

Since then, I have always called it a divine intervention.

Now, as I sit here struggling with secondary infertility and heartache I have started to turn to the bible for comfort and hope and boy, do I need hope. I've been learning a lot and there is a drive within me to keep learning, to keep reading, and to ask questions.

Since picking up Hannah's Hope, my outlook has changed, I feel a since of faith that my hopes, dreams, and prayers will be answered... at least in some way anyways. You know, it is hard to have faith. It is hard to not place blame for your heart ache and grief on somebody else. It is hard not to be angry and bitter. It is hard, when things just don't go the way you expect them too.

I think this miscarriage is one of the biggest since if grief I have ever had to endure. I have never felt my body collapse like that, the since of weakness and giving into the cries. I felt like it would be better to die than to live through this. Oh, it hurt, it still does hurt. And while I cannot stop the feelings of grief or the tears that will flow when I talk or think about it, I think I'm getting better. It hurts a little less and I can laugh a little more.

I know to some this reaction would seem silly, some would think, "it wasn't even a baby," and if you think this, please don't tell me. Because it was a baby, it was ours and I'm grieving the loss of that baby and all of the dreams and hopes that I had for it. It's amazing to me how quickly you become bonded with a being inside of you, for me, it was instant. After trying to conceive for what seems longer than anybody I know in real life, is devastating to have it all taken away in an instant.

What I have learned through my experience with postpartum depression is that I cannot contain my feelings and bury them deep within me to just be locked away, because doing that means you don't deal with them. You must deal with those feelings order to move forward.

To help me deal, I blog. I'm not sure my friends in family in my real life understand, as they have never had to deal with this personally. I know if I were them, I wouldn't know what to say either. But I hope that through my experience and me sharing my experiences openly and honestly, I can help another woman going through the same thing. This is a terrible thing to go through alone.

I have the scripture at the beginning if my post because it really spoke to me.

Therefore I will not keep silent;
I will speak out in the anguish of my spirit,
I will complain in the bitterness of my soul.

This tells me that it is okay that I talk about my hurt. It is okay that I feel the way I do and that I need to express it not only to myself, but to Him. I think it is also important for your loved ones to know how you feel so they can be supportive and help you through. I've read that it is okay to be angry with God and that he can take it. I've read that He feels your hurt.

While I don't know what this all means yet, I know that it's okay for me to feel the way I do and in turn, ask why?

This is quite a journey I'm on. It is scary, sad, heartbreaking, depressing, and most of all, empowering.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad


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