Monday, December 13, 2010

Feeling broken

I'm having one of those days where I feel like my body has really let me down. I want nothing more to be pregnant with my second child. I always wanted my babies close in age so they can grow up together, have a friend in each other, and to be able to realate to one another. It's been almost 5 months since we've officially started TTC again. While it's no where near the amount of time that it's taken other couples, and hell, yes I already do have an almost 1 year old daughter. The failure as each month passes doesn't feel any less painful.

I almost feel like I should just give up. I've stopped temping, I hardly track my cycles, it's just too depressing knowing that my body isn't doing what it needs to do. Sure, maybe it's my fault, I'm overweight, I'm over stressed, and I could probably go out and get more exercise. It just doesn't seem fair though.

Why isn't it as easy to pregnant, like we were always being told in highschool. I envy those woman who don't actually have to try. The ones who get to just have fun, not track their cycles, or check their CM, or temp every morning. I envy those woman who have "surprises" and are blessed with this child they didn't even think of having. Why couldn't that be me?

I'm also concerned that my cycles have been 35 days plus and have now dropped down to less than 22 days (at least for two cycles in a row, we'll see what this one does). I'd confusing and ever so FRUSTRATING to not have my body work "normally."


Oh and P.S. to my "friends" please stop telling me that it will happen and to just relax. Unless you've been in my shoes, where you actually have to TRY to get pregnant, you have no place in giving me advice. I wish I was as fertile as you.


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