Thursday, January 6, 2011


I'm not even sure where to start. But today as I drove into work, I felt different. I felt happy. I sung along to the radio and I felt my heart lift slightly. I felt my shoulders relax, and I felt a burden being lifted off of my shoulders. Maybe this is the depression finally subsiding. Maybe it's the medication that's subduing this ache and darkness that I've been feeling for so long. It's nice. I hope it continues. I want to be better. I want to be a better wife, a better mother, a better employee. I just want to be better. I want to be able to laugh and smile and actually MEAN it. This is going to be a long road, but maybe I've stopped walking backwards.

My baby's first birthday is tomorrow. I can't even explain exactly how i feel about that. I'm so proud of all that she has accomplished this year, she's grown so much. But at the same time it breaks my heart. Maybe that's the point of motherhood. The constant feeling of "bittersweet." My daughter is truly amazing. Her laugh is so infections. I'm heartbroken that I cannot spend the entire day with her. I guess that's the story of a working mom. Duty calls and I have to put my family on the back burner while I fulfill my responsibilities in my career. It sucks. I'd rather not be here. I'd rather be watching my baby wake up for the first time as a One year old. I'd rather be video taping her as I sing her "Happy Birthday," for the first time. I'd rather be there to see her smile at me as I walked into the room to get her. Being a mother and working is so hard.

While I'm in this new place, where I feel this unspoken, unknown burden being lifted off of me, I'm also finding myself slipping back when I think about all the time I'm missing with her.

I took this picture yesterday for a "Picture of the Day" thread that Im' participating in (running) on an online forum. I think it truly represents how I'm feeling most every day. Even if I don't show it, that feeling is deep within me. It's not as frequent as it was a couple months ago, but this picture represents how I feel when I think about not being with my baby

This post is all over the place. It is, I know this. Maybe it won't make sense to anybody else but me. I'm teetering back in forth between feeling better and not. I'm floating with my head bobbing in and out of the water.


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