I hate this...

I hate that today is my baby's first birthday and the only thing I've done is cry. I hate that I have to be at work today. I hate my boss for making me be here and I hate her boss for making me be here too. I hate that I have to be a working mom instead of one that can be home with her babies. I hate this.

Today is supposed to be happy. It's supposed to be a celebration of my baby coming into this world and her being here for an entire year. But all I can do is cry. I cried all last night. I cried this morning, I cried on my way to work, and I'm crying now.

I know this is so stupid. I mean, she won't even remember. We had a party last weekend for the "official" celebration. I will see her today. So, I know, that I'm just being an over emotional mess.

But everytime I think to not BEING there when she wakes up this morning, it kills me. I get a pit in my stomach, my throat feels like it's closing, and my eyes start to well up. I wanted nothing more but to be there to wish her happy birthday for the very first time ON her birthday. But no, I can't do that, because I'm at WORK! My husband and my mother get to do that. They get to be excited and they get to sing her happy birthday as they get her from the crib this morning and I CAN'T BE THERE to do it too.

This is killing me! I feel like I need to take 3 more antidepressents just to get through the day

Oh and I also hate that I HAVE to put on a happy face and act like nothing is the matter because I'm at work and I don't want people asking me what's wrong.

But happy birthday A, Mommy loves you SO much and I'm sorry that I cannot be there.